Thursday, December 4, 2008
You're the Devil in Disguise. Yes, Santa, I'm Talking to You.
The Christmas season is upon us, and while some people celebrate with eggnog and snowmen, Godspam likes to kick back with Dial-A-Truth Ministries, the earnestly crackpot Evangelical website written by Terry Watkins (no relation). As his contribution to the Christmas spirit, Watkins argues that Santa Claus is actually an alter ego of Lucifer himself. Since you surely don't have time to read his 21,000-word screed, GodSpam has helpfully broken in down for you. Grab your sleighbells -- here we go!
- Santa Claus is allegedly based on St. Nicholas, whose life is "unreliably documented" (as opposed to the other saints, who saved all their receipts) and therefore a lie.
- In fact, Santa Claus is more likely based on the Norse deity Thor, a big bearded Yule-god who likes fire, lives among icebergs, and "drove in a chariot drawn by two white goats called Cracker and Gnasher." So, like Santa, but more metal.
- Regardless of which Pagan god he's based on, Santa has a long association with demons. You know his cute little elves? They originated as "black, hairy, horned, cannibalistic, stick-carrying" devils who'd whip children into submission. (Wikipedia backs this one up.)
- Then of course, there's the fact that SANTA is an anagram of SATAN. This can't be a coincidence, because Terry Watkins did a Google search for 'Satan Claus' and found "over 1,700 hits!" What about the Claus part, you ask? Well, that's either an anagram for Lucas (Lucifer's nickname among his frat buddies) or a sneaky way of writing "claws," and claws, of course, are way more evil than regular hands.
- And you know how you thought "St. Nick" was short for "St Nicholas"? Wrong! It's actually a British nickname for the devil, as well as a verb meaning "to rob or steal," which is totally something the devil would do.
- But Santa Claus looks so sweet and jolly, you say! Well, that's because he's actually trying to imitate Jesus in order to trick you. Think Jesus didn't look like Santa? Once you read these out-of-context Bible verses, you'll have another think coming!
"...the hair of his head like the pure wool . . . " Daniel 7:9
"Wherefore art thou red in thine apparel, and thy garments like him that treadeth in the winefat?" Isaiah 63:1-2
- Coming into the house through chimneys? Living in the North Pole? Making toys? Jesus did all that too! Witness the Bible proof!
"And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man... And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace... " Revelation 1:13-15
"Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary...?" Mark 6:3
"Then he brought me to the door of the gate of the LORD'S house which was toward the north . . . "Ezekiel 8:14
- Furthermore, holly is evil ("the Druids believed the "holy" berries represented the blood of their Goddess"). So is the phrase "ho ho ho" ("In Miracle plays, the devil's common entry line"). And elves. Especially elves.
- In fact, elves are so evil that they live inside Ozzy Osbourne's brain. (Sharon Osbourne is quoted: "He's just got this demon inside of him. He just can't get rid of these little people that live in his head.")
- Finally, Santa Claus is dangerously omnipresent and omnipotent. He knows when you are sleeping! He knows when you're awake! How does he know? HE'S SATAN.
- The article concludes with a quote from an Onion article (seriously) called "Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God!" Qualifies Terry: "Even though it was written as a blasphemous parody, much truth rings from the article." Quoth The Onion:
"...I'm better than God. I'm jollier, and I give you real toys, not boring old psalms and empty promises you can only collect on when you die. Worship me, not Him! Worship Santa!"