Edward Cullen: Vampire, or Perfect Mormon Boy?

With the premiere of the next Twilight film only SLIGHTLY MORE THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY OMG, God Spam's thoughts turn to devout Mormons with vampire fetishes. Prior to 2005, such Mormons lived in the shadows, secretly writing G-rated fan fiction on their home PCs. Then one of them got a publishing deal, and now the words "Mormon" and "vampire" appear in the same sentence together more often than not. (It's true. Google it.)

While the feminist in me is wary of all things Twilight, I'm also a person who owns well-worn copies of both No One Knows My History and Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Complete Series. So I do find the idea of Mormon vampire fiction pretty irresistible. The most obvious reference to Meyers' faith is leading-man vampire Edward Cullen's strict moral code; in the words of Mormon-raised blogger stoney321:

Edward ... doesn't believe in open mouth kissing, swearing, chewing tobacco, drinking caffeine, and enjoys time with his family. HE IS THE PERFECT MORMON BOY.

But stoney321 goes one step further, suggesting that Cullen is actually modeled (subconsciously by Meyer) on Mormon prophet Joseph Smith. To wit:

Every time SMeyers would write about Edward, I would just boggle. She was drawing from everything we Mormons were taught about Good Ol' Joe - he was handsome, shockingly so, he could draw you in with just his presence, let alone when he spoke, down to his freaking nose and hair color. HI THERE CREEPY AUTHOR WANTING TO BONE YOUR PROPHET.


In a less cheeky article in Touchstone Magazine, John Granger suggests that Twilight is both an analogy for Mormon conversion and a critique of Mormon culture:

Twilight is essentially an allegory of one gentile seeker’s coming to the fullness of Latter-day Saint faith and life. Bella, though, as Mrs. Meyer’s stand-in, is also a modern American woman who struggles with Edward’s patronizing misogyny and over-protectiveness. Her mind is the only one in the book not open to him, which serves both as an indication of her reverential reserve towards him as God or prophet and her resistance to being totally subject to him. Though devoted to and in love with him, she sounds notes throughout the series that reflect something like feminism.

I suspect Granger is giving Meyer too much credit here, but the books definitely seem rooted in traditional Mormon family values, as Samira K. Mehta discusses over at Religion Dispatches.

So if vampires and Latter-day Saints are one and the same, what does that mean for the world as we know it? Joseph Laycock, author of the definitive vampire religion book Vampires Today, thinks that it's bad news for bloodsuckers:

"I’m a little concerned about Twilight, because these are the most unrebellious vampires we’ve ever seen. They are essentially Mormon vampires... The vampire has gone from being a horrible monster to the kid next door. So we’ll see what happens. Perhaps Edward Cullen will be the last vampire."

Robert-Pattinson-as-Mormon image from stoney321.
Mormon underwear image from Altarkation.

Did Jesus Invent Universal Health Care?

In Jesus, God was hip-deep in health care reform. It was a spiritual issue. It became a political issue. John’s gospel says that it was Lazarus talking about his short stint in the grave that finally decided authorities on plans to execute Jesus as a criminal. When a nation can’t get its healing powers working for all the people, of course its dysfunction will eventually become a political issue —- that is, a human power struggle. But it is not equally obvious that the people of a nation as sick as ours are first of all in a spiritual struggle. Our inability to do deeds of health care power is the manifest symptom, but unbelief is the real cause.

-- From an amazing piece of writing on the spirituality of health care by the Reverend Stephen H. Phelps. Ever see a sermon get a standing ovation? This one did.

(Image c/o FETC)

Dixie Carter, the Liberal Christian Who Wasn't

In real life, Designing Women's Dixie Carter was a conservative Republican -- but for 7 years, she played one of the most outspoken liberal Christians in TV history.

Julia Sugarbaker, who managed the show's interior design business, was a devout Southern churchgoer who argued for separation of church and state, equal treatment of gay people (a cause which Carter also supported) and the ordination of women. Jezebel has some great clips of Julia speechifying on those first two topics -- but the episode that made the biggest impression on me is "How Great Thou Art" (1988), which made a passionate case for the ordination of women. I couldn't find the whole episode online, but this impressive fan site contains an episode description, historical context and guide to Biblical references. And there's one clip on YouTube: Dixie Carter singing the title hymn, below.





RIP Dixie; thank you for giving us Julia Sugarbaker. And thanks also to Linda Bloodworth-Thompson, the writer who created the character and wrote the episodes mentioned above.

Passover Kitsch

Need a housewarming gift for your next seder? Try one of these fine pieces of Judaica...

Ten Plagues Finger Puppets

Perfect for teaching the kiddies about infanticide! The clown, in case you were wondering, is supposed to be hail. Though we prefer the idea that there was an eleventh, forgotten plague... of clowns.

$14 at Jewishstore.com.

Matzoh Print Dog Coat

Why is this night different from all other nights? Because tonight, the dog is dressed like a matzoh ball.

$10 from Think-Yiddish.com.

Passover Plagues Magnet Set

"Honey, where did you put the credit card statement?

"It's on the fridge, underneath the boils!"

$10 at Etsy.com.

Matzah Sweeper

My favorite part of this semi-useful product is that words "Matzah Sweeper" are trademarked. You know, in case you were thinking of naming your band that.
Via the Allee Willis blog.

Happy Passover from the prodigals at God Spam!

The Minimalist Nativity

By artist Oliver Fabel. Very postmodern, very German, but still meets the major requirement of a nativity set: your kid can have fun playing with it. First Christmas Jenga, anyone?

Christmas Tree-son

Hey, you! Do you find "nature" problematically pagan? Do you doctor secular Christmas hymns to make them about religion? ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire/Just like people do in Hell...") Is your living room lacking in crucifixion imagery?


Then have I found the tree for you.

The inventor calls it the CHRIST-mas tree. (Get it? Because the word "Christ" is in Christmas, but people say it like "Chris" because clearly they're on the wrong side of the war.) It can be yours for $400 -- pricey for a plastic tree, perhaps, but how else will you teach your kids about the first Christmas, when the disciples hung commemorative Ronald McDonald ornaments on the cross?

For the CHRIST-ian on a budget, they offer this reimagined holiday wreath for $60. Because circles? Also pagan.

Gay Exorcisms? Really, Tyra?

According to this recap on Jezebel, today's Tyra Banks Show featured a sixteen-year-old boy who underwent an exorcism to have his gayness removed. She also gave significant air time to the (totally insane) priest who removed his "demon", and showed footage of the actual (terrifying) exorcism.

On the plus side: all the homophobic gay-demon-exorcising folks came off looking crazy. Tyra, clearly, thought they were crazy. The audience thought they were crazy. And maybe the point was to be all, hey, look at these crazy people.

But - BUT!- is it too much to ask for a pro-gay Christian to appear on a show like this? To present a worldview that moves beyond Gays Vs. Jesus? To show that poor, conflicted sixteen-year-old kid that he doesn't have to choose between love and faith?

Tyra also had a show in 2006 featuring the Phelps family - a.k.a. the Westboro Baptist church, a.k.a. the charming people who hold up "God hates fags" signs at the funerals of hate crime victims. And again, the crazy people came off looking crazy. But again - they were the show's only representation of what it means to be Christian. And if anyone has an unbelievably screwed-up idea of what it means to be Christian, it's the Phelps family.

People being loving and accepting don't get the big ratings. (Sweeps Week would be really boring if they did.) But here's the thing: Tyra herself is both clearly pro-gay and, by all evidence, a Christian. It's not a contradiction. Hopefully her viewers have caught on - but it would be great to see her drive that message home in lieu of another Jesus-fueled hatefest.