God Spam

"How Many More Gay People Does God Have to Create..."

2011-05-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

A beautifully simple argument against the Minnesota gay marriage ban by Representative Steve Simon, now a viral video hero. Sadly, it wasn't enough: the amendment passed the House earlier this week.

During his speech, Simon mentions a "member of the clergy" who testified that "sexual orientation is a gift from God." I dug around the Internet (including the Minnesota State Legislature archives) for a while, but was unable to figure out the identity of the pro-gay clergy member. There is a "Being Gay is a Gift from God" campaign going on at a Methodist church in Ohio, but I assume that whoever testified is somebody local. Perhaps it's the super-awesomely-named Obadiah Ballinger, a Minnesota pastor who's married to a fellow Minnesota pastor? (Okay, really no evidence that it's him -- I just wanted to share his adorable YouTube video, which I have now dubbed When Harry Met Gay Sally at Yale Divinity.) Whoever you are, mystery pastor -- God Spam salutes you.

Evil Priests, Blasphemous Preachers & Dolph Lundgren's Crucifix Dagger

2011-04-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of the Nine Most Heretical Onscreen Priests that I wrote for New York Magazine's Vulture website. To narrow it down from a long, long list of film and TV's corrupt holy men, I limited it to those who explicitly quote the Bible -- and was amazed at how few actually do.

To wit, here's a partial list of the bad bishops and perverse preachers who didn't make the list because they never say a word of Scripture onscreen:

Jonathan Pryce's evil priests in both Stigmata and The Affair of the Necklace
Pope George Carlin in Dogma
F Murray Abraham in In the Name of the Rose
Ewan McGregor in Angels and Demons
Bishop in Caddyshack
The Bishop of Aquila in Ladyhawke
The Bishop of Bath and Wells in Black Adder
Reverend Brian Darling in Dirty Sexy Money
Father Phil Intintola in The Sopranos
Bishop Anthony in V for Vendetta

Then again, maybe I wasn't watching closely enough. Did I miss any passing Bible quotes in these films? Who are your favorite un-holy men?

Lady Gaga and the Fake Religious Controversy

2011-04-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

If I'd been more on top of things, I would have set up a Religious Controversy Countdown clock the second Lady Gaga announced that her new single was called "Judas." Of course, we wouldn't have been counting down to a real religious controversy, the kind where people are thrown into crises of faith and forced to look at their own beliefs. No, the countdown clock would be ticking down the hours until some media outlet made up a story about how Lady Gaga was making religious groups angry. And by "religious groups," I mean Bill Donahue, the guy who calls himself The Catholic League.

Here's the headline from The Hollywood Reporter, posted one day after the release of Gaga's single:

Rather than waiting for an actual controversy to brew, HR took advantage of a statement Bill Donahue conveniently released to the media one week before the single dropped. Does that mean Donahue was reacting to a song he hadn't even heard yet? Yes. Yes it does.

So here's Donahue's statement, made on behalf of his official-sounding one-man crusade, The Catholic League: I find Gaga to be increasingly irrelevant. She thinks she is going to be groundbreaking. She is trying to ripoff Christian idolatry to shore up her talentless, mundane and boring performances. Another ex-Catholic whose head is turned around. This is a stunt. People have real talent, and then there is Lady Gaga. Is this the only way to jet up her performance? This isn’t random, we are getting closer to Holy Week and Easter.

He's right about one thing: the release of "Judas" right before Holy Week is no accident. It is a stunt, and it's a good one, because Lady Gaga excels at getting attention. I'm going to keep saying it: religion is the new sex. If a pop star wants to make headlines right now, talking about Jesus is the fastest route.

The thing that separates Lady Gaga, though, is that she's actually interested in religion. Her use of Christian imagery in "Judas" is very deliberate, and while it doesn't always make sense, it feeds into her message of cultural change through art -- which, of late, has included a lot of talk about reforming religion. The way she's going, it's entirely possible that Lady Gaga could spark some genuine religious controversy. But we'll never know, unless the media learns to tune out Bill Donahue's ranting and actually pay attention.

Video: The Devil Weighs In On The Westboro Baptist Church

2011-03-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

And who better, really? From the weekend's Miley Cyrus episode of Saturday Night Live.

Will The New Yorker's Scientology Article Win Converts?

2011-02-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

The New Yorker's recent essay on Scientology by Lawrence Wright is getting a lot of attention, and with good reason: it's well-researched, uses solid insider sources, and has some bombshell revelations. (Although if you've been following Scientology reporting for any length of time, it's the same sort of shocking stuff you already know.) But J.C. Hallman, who has also written extensively about Scientology, has an eye-opening criticism of the piece on Killing the Buddha. Specifically, he believes that Wright's journalistic objectivity gets in the way of portraying Scientology for the truly scary thing it is. Here's the kicker:

The funny thing is, "The Apostate" is exactly the kind of article that might get someone interested in Scientology. There’s just enough doubt thrown in, just enough caveats and deniability and dropped threads, and just enough intrigue to make it all seem like a grand adventure. If you’re frail and needy, and if you’re a seeker, then you’re not going to listen for what Wright is suggesting between the lines of this piece, when he appears to be writing not for readers but for a judge and jury. Instead, you’ll listen to the quiet evangelism that Scientology knows creeps through all accounts like this, and is the only reason they’re willing to sit down with The New Yorker.

Read the whole argument here. And for extra credit, read The Bare-Faced Messiah: The True Story of L. Ron Hubbard -- the biography that the Scientologists pretty successfully suppressed until some nice person decided to put the entire text online.

This Is My Body, Spiced With Cool Ranch Seasonings for You

2011-01-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

So Doritos has decided not to air this Super Bowl ad, in which a desperate priest revives his congregation by adding trans fats and artificial coloring to Holy Communion. Here's the commercial:

I doubt that Doritos ever seriously intended to air this (it's among a number of potential ads they placed on their website and rejected, including 2 gay-themed ones), but it's still a piece of work. First off, notice the ways in which the filmmakers took care to cover their asses: they never say the priest's denomination. They never say they're serving Holy Communion, despite the recognizable aspects of the ritual. They know that most audiences will assume that the troubled church is Catholic, and that they're swapping out the wafers and wine during the service.

And part of me admires the sheer gall of that. But obviously, this commercial is incredibly problematic for anybody who respects religion. Let's look at a couple of the not-so-funny things that are being mocked here:

- Lack of church attendance. This is a major issue in many Christian churches throughout the country, especially when we're talking about mainstream Catholics and Protestants. (The mega-churches are doing just fine.) In terms of the Catholic church, the problem of shuttering churches is directly tied to a drop in faith and funds after the molestation scandal. Ha...ha?

- Holy Communion = Dullsville. See, here the thing -- Holy Communion is a ritual. It's not supposed to be exciting, it's supposed to be contemplative. The whole reason that Catholics use those wafers in the first place is to emphasize that Holy Communion is not about food, but about something greater. It's also a sacrament, based directly on Jesus's last act before he was tortured to death for humanity's sins. Go on, laugh.

The group that created this ad doesn't think they're making fun of churchgoers, but they are. I'm all for finding humor in religion, but not for mocking a two thousand year old ritual that harms no one, has given great comfort to many, and encourages deep spiritual contemplation. American culture, as a rule, does not encourage spiritual contemplation. That is part of the reason that more people don't go to church, and part of the reason why more people should. (Side note: for a contemporary look at Holy Communion, Take This Bread: A Radical Conversion by Sara Miles is an incredible meditation on the subject by an atheist-turned-Christian.)

Incidentally, here's another rejected Christianity-themed ad, this by a guy named Richard Belfry who sells shirts that say "Jesus Hates Obama." Yep, that's his whole business: selling shirts that say "Jesus Hates Obama." Why does Jesus hate Obama? His website doesn't say. In fact, Belfry has been making the press rounds, saying that of course Jesus doesn't really hate Obama. Lighten up, people! It's a joke! It's funny because Jesus obviously has the same political beliefs as you! And if Jesus was here today, he wouldn't be healing the sick and lame -- he'd be protesting Obamacare!

Sigh. I just want to be the funny blogger, guys. Why are you making this so hard?

The Birth of Jesus, Told 4 Ways

2010-12-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

This Christmas, God Spam is taking a Rashomon-like approach to the Nativity story (but without the rape and murder and creepy fortune teller). Here are four different videos describing the birth of Jesus, as told by...

...Social networking:

...Sincerely adorable New Zealand children:

...Lovably inaccurate American kids:

... And tongue-in-cheek Christian cartoonists:

The Christmas story comes out of years of church tradition and theological controversy, but you can get a nice run-down of what the Bible actually says here. In the words of writer Phyllis Tickle: "The Virgin Birth is so beautiful that it has to be true, whether it happened or not."

Merry Christmas from all one of us at God Spam!

Gotta Have Faith: Lewis Black

2010-11-28T19:18:00.000-08:00

"Gays didn't need to ask if they were gay. God told them. And if God told them, that's all you need to know, 'cause He's God and He wouldn't have made people gay unless He thought it was right. How do I know this? Because He's God and He's smarter than you. And if you don't like what I just said, tough. That's the God I believe in and that's the way He thinks. Maybe your God will have some thoughts someday."

— From I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas, in which comedian Lewis Black expresses a message of divine love and acceptance in the most ornery way possible. Crankiness notwithstanding, the book actually has a lot to say about the ways in which our culture celebrates and interprets the Christmas season. (And if you're interested, here's an interview I did with Lewis Black when the book hit shelves in November.)

The New Christianity Meets the Liberal Media

2010-11-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Jay Bakker, whose name I shall follow with the obligatory "son of Jim and Tammy Faye," gets an excellent profile in this week's New York Magazine.

Image: Kenneth Cole via Killing the Buddha

I've mentioned Jay before on God Spam -- he's the founder and New York City pastor of Revolution, a church that seeks to embrace individuals (mainly the young, liberal, counter-cultural variety) who feel rejected by traditional Christianity. Here's how writer Alex Morris sums up Bakker's unexpected ministry:

But as I’m sitting there, close to the back and beer in hand [note: Revolution NYC meets at a bar], it occurs to me that maybe the opposite of faith isn’t doubt. Maybe the opposite of faith is certainty, a comforting belief in your own rightness. To a greater degree than most Evangelicals may care to admit, Jay Bakker’s open-armed ministry is an extension of what his parents created. Jim and Tammy Faye were much more tolerant than other televangelists; in 1986, Tammy Faye famously interviewed a gay minister who had been diagnosed with AIDS. But theirs was a theology of aspiration—believing is easy, and believing leads to success—and it didn’t encourage its followers to doubt their faith or themselves. This, it seems to me, is what Jay is offering: a Christianity that allows for, and is even sustained by, failure.

I'm going to repeat that last line, because I love it: "A Christianity that allows for, and is even sustained by, failure."

Promotional image from Revolution NYC

An interesting detail: Morris refers to Bakker as part of the Emergent movement. I'm not surprised that he says Bakker won't use the term himself; among Evangelicals (of whom Jay, however liberal, is one), "emergent" is considered a sort of half-boast, half-pejorative, like "hipster."* Be that as it may, this is the first time I've seen the emerging church given attention in a major New York City-based publication. I've been wondering when the Emergent movement would start making its way over to the East Coast, and this could be the first harbinger.

* I don't know why this is, exactly, although there's a certain teen-like brattiness that can come with the rejection of the mainstream church. For example, Emergent Church icon Tony Jones once told me in so many words that my lovely Brooklyn church is doomed, because we follow the Presbyterian bylaws and meet in a historic church building.

** And yes, if were wondering, "liberal media" in the headline is indeed supposed to be tongue-in-cheek; I have two (non-religion-related) articles in the same issue of the magazine.

This Week, On the Happy Fundamentalist Mormon Polygamy Hour...

2010-09-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

Husband Kody's first three wives think his fourth wife is a ho because she kissed him before they were married. God, I love Mormons.

Christine O'Donnell and Eddie Izzard Argue About God

2010-09-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

Vintage "Politically Incorrect" clip in which the Senate candidate explains that, if she were hiding Jews in her attic during WWII, God would save her from having to lie to Hitler. And then Eddie Izzard and Bill Maher make fun of her.

God Spam in The Village Voice

2010-09-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

The Village Voice's news blog featured God Spam this weekend in a piece about Jacob Isom, of "Dude, you have no Quran" fame. The article, by Leslie Minora, specifically focuses on the merchandise I whipped up in honor of Mr. Isom. You can read the story here.

From the interview: Watkins, a freelance writer and the daughter of a minister, says she started her quirky religious blog because she's "always been really fascinated by the intersection of pop culture and religion...[this type of blog] didn't exist, and I wanted to read it." Isom seems the personification of the very intersection Watkins explores.

I wouldn't say he's exactly at the intersection that this blog explores. If David Isom had grabbed the Quran while singing a verse from the lost Gospel of Thomas to the tune of "Bad Romance," then we'd be talking.

However, The Voice is absolutely correct that David Isom's story has a special appeal for me. Ironically, I had deliberately avoided covering the Amarillo Quran-burning story at first, for the same reason that I won't write about the Westboro Baptist Church: both stories center around a small group of bigots whose message distorts the Christian faith, and who are ultimately powerless except in their ability to get media attention. I do not want to feed that particular beast.

But I am not the mainstream media. By the time the book-burning was actually scheduled to take place, the nation's entire freedom of religion apparently hung in the balance of one deluded pastor and a park grill. The Unitarian Universalists, God bless 'em, mobilized en masse to stop this event from taking place. And then one shirtless stoner thwarted the entire event by doing the most practical thing imaginable: taking the holy book away. And since apparently no one had a back-up Quran (which I do, in fact, find hilarious), everybody just went home.

With one spontaneous act, David Isom brought this clash of faiths down from the ideological clouds to a very human level. And that's the element that's so often missing from press coverage of religion stories: the fact that the participants are individuals, and even if they all believe basically the same thing, they no doubt have very different reasons. No one was hurt that day in Amarillo; no individual freedoms were lost. In the end, there was just a man who looked down and realized he had no book to burn.

Footnote: I am 99% certain that God Spam is the point of reference for this article from the Amarillo Globe-News, as no one else to my knowledge is selling "Dude, You Have no Quran" hats. That article's reference to hats and T-shirts was also featured in The Week. And as a result of all this publicity, I have sold... 3 shirts! And no teddy bears. Come on, guys, Thanksgiving is coming. That's the traditional holiday of meme-themed plush toys.

Dude, You Have No Quran: The T-Shirt

2010-09-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, an everyman utters such a profound statement that we must grant him our culture's highest honor: a slogan T-shirt. Ladies and gentleman, Jacob Isom is such a man. Although there were dozens of protesters making a stand against the scheduled Quran burning in an Amarillo, Texas park, Isom single-handedly thwarted the Christian hate parade by yanking the sacred text off a burning grill.

In his own, now-immortal words: "I snuck up behind him and took his Quran. He said something about burning the Quran, and I said, Dude, you have no Quran."

Jacob Isom, in honor of your bold stance against religious intolerance (and the fact that you said "dude"), God Spam salutes you with this custom T-shirt.

The "Dude, you have no Quran" shirt is now available for purchase, in assorted colors and styles, at the brand-new God Spam online store. And since Cafe Press, as it turns out, is insane about customization, you can also get your own "Dude, you have no Quran" teddy bear.

Or perhaps you'd prefer an extremely American-made dog T-shirt?

While you're there, you can also get a Smoking Nuns T-shirt, inspired by the popular God Spam post, "Is Catholicism like Smoking?" Here's the design:

(I'm not totally sold on this one, so if buy it now before I decide it's too offensive!)

But Jacob Isom, this post is really about you. God Spam salutes you, your bravery, and your weird cooking show pilot that we found on YouTube. All Americans should be proud to wear your words.

Update: Isom is now promoting official "Dude, You Have No Quran" shirts with his face emblazoned on them. Go here to buy one. So many options!

Is Catholicism Like Smoking?

2010-08-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Since last week's post prompted some lively discussion on Anne Rice's Facebook page, this seems like a good time to ponder something that Rice has made me think about: the difficulty of quitting Catholicism.

I should clarify, to start, that I'm not a Catholic; rather, I'm a Prod with Italian roots, a nun obsession and a love of early church history. I named my son after Saint Anselm. So rest assured that I'm not trying to be flip about the Catholic Church here. I see a great deal of beauty in Catholicism. When Anne Rice first declared her conversion into the Catholic Church, I thought it made perfect sense. The things that resonate about her books -- the conflicted relationship between passion and morality, the grand drama on a larger-than-human scale, the tantalizing nearness of death -- are all very present in Catholic tradition and ritual.

And now she is walking away, not from her faith, but from the Church. Here's what I neglected to mention in the previous post: after declaring that she'd "quit being a Christian," Rice received a public invitation to join the socially liberal United Church of Christ (supported, of course, by an enthusiastic Facebook campaign). When she demurred, the LA Times asked Rice flat-out, How can you say no to that? Her response was diplomatic and honest: "I respect completely people who want to find a church that's more in accord with what they can morally accept. But for me, walking away is the thing right now. In the name of Christ, in the name of God."

Now, I love the UCC. I love their proud acceptance of different lifestyles and sexualities, I love their willingness to embrace change, and I love that their entire outreach campaign is based on a Gracie Allen quote. But the UCC is not the Catholic Church. For everything it offers, it lacks the rituals, the thousands of years of history and culture, the globe-spanning universal language of Catholicism. Now: did Anne Rice leave the church entirely because she thought it would make a stronger political statement than joining a more liberal denomination? Or did she leave because nothing can truly replace Catholicism for her?

I've watched many friends struggle to quit smoking, and it's always seemed to me that the hardest part of quitting smoking is that nothing can really take its place. There is no alternative activity that incorporates relaxation, socializing and ritual in the same way that cigarettes do. There's nothing you can do with your mouth and hands and breath that can replicate the feeling of having a cigarette. Similarly: there is nothing else in the world like the Catholic Church. Some would argue for the Episcopal Church as an adequate replacement, but for many who have fallen in love or been raised with Catholic tradition, it will never be more than adequate. Remember: selecting a church is a deeply personal thing, and it can be more about a feeling of presence and belonging than about a series of check marks on an "agree/do not agree" list.

This is hard time for Catholics with an independent moral compass. In June, a representative from the Vatican argued before the U.N. that condom distribution was actually harmful to AIDS-ravaged Africa. In July, the Vatican declared the ordination of women to be delicta graviora -- a "grave sin" comparable to sexually abusing a child. And the abuse scandal -- a travesty only magnified by the church's refusal to take responsibility -- is still a great unhealed wound; just this week, a Vatican lawyer gave an interview to Fox News assuring the public that Pope Ratzinger actually did show human emotion in reaction to the abuse cases. (When that's supposed to be comforting, we're in deep trouble.)

Anne Rice says that she'll "very much miss" going to Mass and participating in Holy Communion. Her decision sounds heartbreaking. But sometimes, going cold turkey is the only option.

The Reluctant Christian: Katy Perry & Anne Rice

2010-08-23T11:17:00.000-07:00

At this particular moment in pop culture, we have two very influential women trying to distance themselves from their former Christian faith. And other than their ability to make headlines, they couldn't be more different. First we have Katy Perry, a 25-year-old pop singer who started out in the Contemporary Christian Music scene before a song about lip balm made her a superstar. Check out the video below from her CCM days. (Who knew she could sing without writhing? I thought these things were programmed to occur simultaneously.)

It's a well-known fact that Perry was raised by devout evangelical parents -- well-known, because for every topless photo shoot the singer gives the press, she offers a new anecdote about her wacky religious upbringing. I have to hand it to her, she gives good quote. In the latest Rolling Stone, she says that speaking in tongues is "as normal to me as 'pass the salt'", and says she couldn't eat Lucky Charms because "lucky" sounds like "Lucifier." But what's even more interesting than the sugary-cereal anecdote (I'm so trying that on my kid), is that she still considers herself a Christian. To wit:

God is very much still a part of my life...But the way the details are told in the Bible—that’s very fuzzy for me. And I want to throw up when I say that. But that’s the truth.

I still believe that Jesus is the son of God… But I also believe in extraterrestrials, and that there are people who are sent from God to be messengers, and all sorts of crazy stuff… Every time I look up, I know that I’m nothing and there’s something way beyond me. I don’t think it’s as simple as heaven and hell.

In the other corner of the blogosphere we have Anne Rice, who made headlines by announcing on Facebook that she had "quit being a Christian." The vampire novelist famously returned to her Catholic roots in 1998, after a long period of atheism. Here's what she told the Los Angeles Times about her decision to walk away again:

I've come to the conclusion from my experience with organized religion that I have to leave, that I have to, in the name of Christ, step away from this. It's a matter of rejecting what I've discovered about the persecution of gays, the persecution and oppression of women and the actions of the churches on many different levels. I've also found that I can't find a basis in Scripture for a lot of the positions that churches and denominations take today, and I can't find any basis at all for an anointed, hierarchical priesthood.

So all of this finally created a pressure in me, a kind of confusion, a toxic anger at times, and I felt I had to step aside. And that's what I've done.

What do these two stories have in common? Neither of these ladies have abandoned the core tenet of Christianity, faith in the divinity of Jesus Christ. By that definition, they're still devout Christians. What they've done is left the church, or more specifically, a version of Christianity that they found limiting. For Perry, it was a version that didn't allow her to eat Lucky Charms or hang out with gay people; for Rice, it was a version that insisted that priests were closer to God than laypeople (or women). This makes perfect sense, really. One could argue that Christianity itself is founded on the idea of rebelling from restrictive religious laws and practices. So why is it headline-worthy news when a pop singer and a fiction writer decide that organized religion has a few problems?

In terms of Katy Perry, there's an easy answer: the press tosses its spectacles into the air with glee every time it finds a story that actually has the capacity to shock, anger or titillate the jaded reader -- and while religion and sex are only sometimes enough on their own, the intersection of the two is a reliable home run. (Adding "violence" to either topic also works. Nobody tell The Huffington Post that I'm spilling their secrets, okay?) Katy Perry is sex on a plate, and Katy Perry has an unironic Jesus tattoo. Write it up, boys.

I could make a case for Anne Rice falling into the same category -- after all, she's best known for writing steamy fantasy novels -- but I think there's something more going on here. What strikes me most about Perry and Rice's statements is the inner conflict they express. These women are not just declaring their beliefs; they're divulging an ongoing struggle with the very ideas of faith, the church and salvation. Katy Perry literally feels nauseous when she admits she doesn't believe in the absolute truth of the Bible. Anne Rice, like a woman in mourning, lists the Catholic rituals that she'll miss. Neither Rice nor Perry is in a state of resolution about their faith. Each is on a journey, working through "toxic anger" (Rice) and contemplating "the neverendingness of the universe" (Perry).

This is turf where celebrity journalism fears to tread. We like our Christian stars to be troops-supporting virgins, our atheist stars to be hard-drinking intellectuals. We can allow for agnostics, or those who fit into the new default category of "spiritual but not religious." But celebrities who actively wrestle with faith? They make us uncomfortable. Why can't they just pick a side, like everybody else? Katy Perry must be an idiot. Anne Rice must never have been a real Christian. We can accept the sincerity of a celebrity who marries and divorces six people, but not that of a celebrity who goes back and forth on God.

If we could make room for celebrities who question religion, could we also make room in the modern church for disbelief? Should our religious institutions be trying harder to embrace doubt, to accept questioning as part of the process of faith? Food for thought.

For now, it will be interesting to see what replaces religion in Rice's books and Perry's songs. Katy Perry seems to have fled from her strict religious upbringing into a teenage cotton-candy world, where any notion of Hell is superseded by the next sugar fix. Is the much-criticized lack of depth in her songs an attempt to detach herself from her evangelizing past? Rice has referred to her entire body of work, up until her 2004 decision to "write only for the Lord," as "a movement toward Jesus Christ." Will her work from now on be a movement away from Christianity -- and if so, what will that look like?

Gotta Have Faith: Lady Gaga

2010-06-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

"I'm very religious, I was raised Catholic, I believe in Jesus, I believe in God, I'm very spiritual, I pray very much. But at the same time, there is no one religion that doesn't hate or speak against or be prejudiced against another racial group or religious group or sexual group, and for that I think religion is also bogus. So I suppose you could say I'm a quite religious woman who's very confused about religion."- Lady Gaga on Larry King Live

Image: Gaga at the Wailing Wall, from the Daily Mail

Blessed are the Teens Who Won't Kiss, For They Shall Have Really Awkward Weddings

2010-05-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

The always-entertaining blogger Rich Juzwiak has done us all a great public service, by buying '80s Christian propaganda films at The Holy Land Experience and posting the highlights. Behold, the anti-kissing drama Pamela's Prayer:

Because the single most important lesson we can take from Jesus' teachings is not to kiss people.

How Do You Pray for a Rock Star?

2010-04-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

If you're a reality TV or '80s metal fan, you probably know that Bret Michaels had a brain hemorrhage last week and is currently in critical condition at an undisclosed hospital. The Poison frontman/Rock of Love star/Celebrity Apprentice contestant has his people posting updates on Facebook, where tens of thousands of fans have gathered to show their support for Michaels. Mostly, they're hitting the "like" button on positive news and leaving encouraging comments about his recovery. But a lot of them are also praying out loud, on Facebook -- a relatively new occurrence in the digital world. A sampling of the prayers being posted for Bret:

May God watch over you once again as He has several times.Bret my thoughts and PRAYERS are going out to you,Please Lord help This amazing Kind Wonderful Soul of a Human Being Heal Quickly and Completly,He is a wonderful source of inspiration to many,This world Needs more People like Bret Michaels in it,Keep him Safe and Please Lord Help him Heal,God Bless you Bret Michaels,I prayer for you Everyday,Bret we all love you,God Speed to your retuning Health,Love you Bret.

I pray for you Bret, I pray that you have a full recovery and the angels protect you always. Rest and the angels will heal you. I'm not a religious person, but I owe you.... your music and you have pulled me through some tough times. So now I will pray for you in your time of need.

LORD, I PRAY FOR A HEALING FOR BRET AND HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY.AND, I AM CALLING UPON THE ANGELS TO ASSIST IN THIS AS WELL.THIS MAN IS IMPORTANT TO THIS WORLD IN WAYS THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT. WE NEED HIS TALENT AND KIND HEARTEDNESS TO MAKE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE. HE DOES SO MUCH FOR JUVENILE DIABETES AND HE ADORES CHILDREN. HIS MUSIC IS SO FULL OF ENERGY AND HE BELIEVES IN HIMSELF AND HIS LIFE MEMBERS. LIFT HIM UP IN HEALTH SO THE WORLD THAT LOVES HIM CAN BE WHOLE AGAIN? AMEN

May the blood of Jesus cover you bret micheals and shield u from all harm. May the angels guard you and protect you, and i pray your surgeons and physicians and specialists all have supernatural gift and knowlegde to heal you. I beg our Father to stop the bleeding to seal shut the damage vessle or vessles and to protect your brain from all harm so... See More that you have a full recovery. May u awake with a powerful testimony for God. Thankyou Jesus, Thankyou our Father, I love you God. In Jesus Name Amen.

And the shortest, sweetest prayer of all:

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN

Edward Cullen: Vampire, or Perfect Mormon Boy?

2010-04-25T17:40:00.001-07:00

With the premiere of the next Twilight film only SLIGHTLY MORE THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY OMG, God Spam's thoughts turn to devout Mormons with vampire fetishes. Prior to 2005, such Mormons lived in the shadows, secretly writing G-rated fan fiction on their home PCs. Then one of them got a publishing deal, and now the words "Mormon" and "vampire" appear in the same sentence together more often than not. (It's true. Google it.)

While the feminist in me is wary of all things Twilight, I'm also a person who owns well-worn copies of both No One Knows My History and Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Complete Series. So I do find the idea of Mormon vampire fiction pretty irresistible. The most obvious reference to Meyers' faith is leading-man vampire Edward Cullen's strict moral code; in the words of Mormon-raised blogger stoney321:

Edward ... doesn't believe in open mouth kissing, swearing, chewing tobacco, drinking caffeine, and enjoys time with his family. HE IS THE PERFECT MORMON BOY.

But stoney321 goes one step further, suggesting that Cullen is actually modeled (subconsciously by Meyer) on Mormon prophet Joseph Smith. To wit:

Every time SMeyers would write about Edward, I would just boggle. She was drawing from everything we Mormons were taught about Good Ol' Joe - he was handsome, shockingly so, he could draw you in with just his presence, let alone when he spoke, down to his freaking nose and hair color. HI THERE CREEPY AUTHOR WANTING TO BONE YOUR PROPHET.

In a less cheeky article in Touchstone Magazine, John Granger suggests that Twilight is both an analogy for Mormon conversion and a critique of Mormon culture:

Twilight is essentially an allegory of one gentile seeker’s coming to the fullness of Latter-day Saint faith and life. Bella, though, as Mrs. Meyer’s stand-in, is also a modern American woman who struggles with Edward’s patronizing misogyny and over-protectiveness. Her mind is the only one in the book not open to him, which serves both as an indication of her reverential reserve towards him as God or prophet and her resistance to being totally subject to him. Though devoted to and in love with him, she sounds notes throughout the series that reflect something like feminism.

I suspect Granger is giving Meyer too much credit here, but the books definitely seem rooted in traditional Mormon family values, as Samira K. Mehta discusses over at Religion Dispatches.

So if vampires and Latter-day Saints are one and the same, what does that mean for the world as we know it? Joseph Laycock, author of the definitive vampire religion book Vampires Today, thinks that it's bad news for bloodsuckers:

"I’m a little concerned about Twilight, because these are the most unrebellious vampires we’ve ever seen. They are essentially Mormon vampires... The vampire has gone from being a horrible monster to the kid next door. So we’ll see what happens. Perhaps Edward Cullen will be the last vampire."

Robert-Pattinson-as-Mormon image from stoney321.
Mormon underwear image from Altarkation.

Did Jesus Invent Universal Health Care?

2010-04-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

In Jesus, God was hip-deep in health care reform. It was a spiritual issue. It became a political issue. John’s gospel says that it was Lazarus talking about his short stint in the grave that finally decided authorities on plans to execute Jesus as a criminal. When a nation can’t get its healing powers working for all the people, of course its dysfunction will eventually become a political issue —- that is, a human power struggle. But it is not equally obvious that the people of a nation as sick as ours are first of all in a spiritual struggle. Our inability to do deeds of health care power is the manifest symptom, but unbelief is the real cause.

-- From an amazing piece of writing on the spirituality of health care by the Reverend Stephen H. Phelps. Ever see a sermon get a standing ovation? This one did.

(Image c/o FETC)

Dixie Carter, the Liberal Christian Who Wasn't

2010-04-12T19:25:00.001-07:00

In real life, Designing Women's Dixie Carter was a conservative Republican -- but for 7 years, she played one of the most outspoken liberal Christians in TV history.

Julia Sugarbaker, who managed the show's interior design business, was a devout Southern churchgoer who argued for separation of church and state, equal treatment of gay people (a cause which Carter also supported) and the ordination of women. Jezebel has some great clips of Julia speechifying on those first two topics -- but the episode that made the biggest impression on me is "How Great Thou Art" (1988), which made a passionate case for the ordination of women. I couldn't find the whole episode online, but this impressive fan site contains an episode description, historical context and guide to Biblical references. And there's one clip on YouTube: Dixie Carter singing the title hymn, below.

RIP Dixie; thank you for giving us Julia Sugarbaker. And thanks also to Linda Bloodworth-Thompson, the writer who created the character and wrote the episodes mentioned above.

Passover Kitsch

2010-03-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Need a housewarming gift for your next seder? Try one of these fine pieces of Judaica...

Ten Plagues Finger Puppets

Perfect for teaching the kiddies about infanticide! The clown, in case you were wondering, is supposed to be hail. Though we prefer the idea that there was an eleventh, forgotten plague... of clowns.

$14 at Jewishstore.com.

Matzoh Print Dog Coat

Why is this night different from all other nights? Because tonight, the dog is dressed like a matzoh ball.

$10 from Think-Yiddish.com.

Passover Plagues Magnet Set

"Honey, where did you put the credit card statement?

"It's on the fridge, underneath the boils!"

$10 at Etsy.com.

Matzah Sweeper

My favorite part of this semi-useful product is that words "Matzah Sweeper" are trademarked. You know, in case you were thinking of naming your band that.
Via the Allee Willis blog.

Happy Passover from the prodigals at God Spam!

The Minimalist Nativity

2009-12-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

By artist Oliver Fabel. Very postmodern, very German, but still meets the major requirement of a nativity set: your kid can have fun playing with it. First Christmas Jenga, anyone?

Christmas Tree-son

2009-12-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, you! Do you find "nature" problematically pagan? Do you doctor secular Christmas hymns to make them about religion? ("Chestnuts roasting on an open fire/Just like people do in Hell...") Is your living room lacking in crucifixion imagery?

Then have I found the tree for you.

The inventor calls it the CHRIST-mas tree. (Get it? Because the word "Christ" is in Christmas, but people say it like "Chris" because clearly they're on the wrong side of the war.) It can be yours for $400 -- pricey for a plastic tree, perhaps, but how else will you teach your kids about the first Christmas, when the disciples hung commemorative Ronald McDonald ornaments on the cross?

For the CHRIST-ian on a budget, they offer this reimagined holiday wreath for $60. Because circles? Also pagan.

Gay Exorcisms? Really, Tyra?

2009-09-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

According to this recap on Jezebel, today's Tyra Banks Show featured a sixteen-year-old boy who underwent an exorcism to have his gayness removed. She also gave significant air time to the (totally insane) priest who removed his "demon", and showed footage of the actual (terrifying) exorcism.

On the plus side: all the homophobic gay-demon-exorcising folks came off looking crazy. Tyra, clearly, thought they were crazy. The audience thought they were crazy. And maybe the point was to be all, hey, look at these crazy people.

But - BUT!- is it too much to ask for a pro-gay Christian to appear on a show like this? To present a worldview that moves beyond Gays Vs. Jesus? To show that poor, conflicted sixteen-year-old kid that he doesn't have to choose between love and faith?

Tyra also had a show in 2006 featuring the Phelps family - a.k.a. the Westboro Baptist church, a.k.a. the charming people who hold up "God hates fags" signs at the funerals of hate crime victims. And again, the crazy people came off looking crazy. But again - they were the show's only representation of what it means to be Christian. And if anyone has an unbelievably screwed-up idea of what it means to be Christian, it's the Phelps family.

People being loving and accepting don't get the big ratings. (Sweeps Week would be really boring if they did.) But here's the thing: Tyra herself is both clearly pro-gay and, by all evidence, a Christian. It's not a contradiction. Hopefully her viewers have caught on - but it would be great to see her drive that message home in lieu of another Jesus-fueled hatefest.

Which Sin Makes the Best Baby Name?

2009-07-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

In their research of the all-time worst baby names, the folks at Ancestry.com located babies named after every one of the seven deadly sins - except gluttony. The most popular sin-based baby moniker was Pride, followed distantly by Lust. A sampling of actual names they uncovered:

Lust Garten
Greed Sister Mancini
Avarice Sullivan
Sloth Washton
Wrath Gordon
Envy Burger (Shouldn't these folks have gone with Gluttony?)
Pride Saint
Greed McGrew
Pride Saint
Lust T. Castle

I can't wait until the Pope's seven new deadly sins start to appear in the baby-name rosters. Note to Angelina: Morally-Debatable-Experiments Pitt is pretty catchy.

Pictured: my own baby, who was named after a saint, but only because "Envy Burger" was taken.

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

2009-07-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

"Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body." - From the tract
"Porn Again Christian" by Mars Hill Church pastor Marc Driscoll.

Better yet, here's the cover image, which leads one to the conclusion that masturbation is both gay AND suicidal:

Good times!

Buddha in the Supreme Court

2009-06-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

The Sociological Images blog takes a critical look at racial stereotypes in political satire, including the baffling, maddening recent cover of the National Review depicting Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor as Buddha.

The comparison of the magazine cover to the original icon is particularly eye-opening...

Stephen Baldwin the Baptist

2009-06-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

What was it I was saying about reality TV and religion? Whatever it was, forget it: I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here has taken reality-TV religion to new extremes. Above, watch Evangelical spokescelebrity Stephen Baldwin preach the word to The Hills' Spencer Pratt, who knows that Jesus answers prayers because Jesus introduced him to Miley Cyrus. (Seriously.) Below, Stephen spontaneously baptises Spencer, who compares sin to eel sperm and his baptism to "a ten-year bath with lots of bubbles."

For more, check out Gabe's astute commentary on Religion Dispatches.

Doonesbury Does the Bible (But Not Very Well)

2009-06-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday's Doonesbury strip comparing the Old and New Testaments has some Jewish leaders demanding an apology. Trudeau's take is oversimplified at best, offensive at worst, but to play devil's advocate: the 17-year-old in the comic strip isn't supposed to be a Biblical scholar. She certainly sounds like a real teenage kid, earnest and uninformed, talking about religion. The problem, as I see it, is that this is a Sunday strip, meaning that it's not in the context of story. There's no "before" and "after." Trudeau opens up a can of worms and tries to toss it off with a chuckle -- disappointing for a satirist with an admirable history of tackling cultural issues head-on.

Benjamin Weiner at Religion Dispatches suggests using this as a "teachable moment":

Christians, if you haven’t already, please take some time to recognize that the division of your scriptures into “old” and “new”, with a panting demiurge presiding over the first and a Guevarist lovegod community-organizing his way through the second is a false dichotomy, and a dangerous and frustrating one, at that, when it is used as a thumbnail sketch of Jewish-Christian difference. Your “old testament”, what we call the Tanakh, portrays a God of manifold characteristics—from the friend and confidant of Abraham and, yes, the ferocious goader of the wilderness, to the ironic moral conscience of Jonah and the mystical whirlwind of Job—that have served as the basis for kaleidoscopic articulations of Jewish theology.

Why is TLC Afraid of Religion?

2009-05-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

This Thursday, the new season of one of my guiltier pleasures, What Not To Wear, premieres on TLC. The gimmick of this particular episode is that they're doing a makeover on a former child star. And that child star is...

Mayim Bialik, a.k.a. lil' Bette Middler, a.k.a. Blossom! Now, having gotten a sneak preview of the episode, I can tell you that Mayim Bialik is the most likeable guest in the show's history. She's unabashedly brainy (she has a PHD in neuroscience!), down-to-earth (she won't buy tops she can't nurse her baby in), and sweet (she donates the standard new-wardrobe money to charity and foots the bill herself). Also, she doesn't own a single pair of pants.

That's right - no pants. Now, I've seen an embarrassing number of episodes of What Not to Wear, but I have never, ever seen someone on that show who doesn't own at least one pair of jeans. My first thought was that Mayim was just quirky, but out of curiosity, I did some research...

...and learned that, yes, Mayim Bialik is a Conservative Jew, bordering on Orthodox ("Conservadox," as she puts it). She keeps Shabbos, keeps kosher, and follows family purity laws. And presumably, her wardrobe of below-the-knee skirts and long sleeves conforms to Jewish laws of modesty.

So why doesn't the show bother to mention this? It's not like they're afraid to get personal: when discussing her wardrobe, Mayim talks candidly about nursing, weight loss, and body image issues. And it's not a tangent; her religious beliefs directly affect her choice of clothing, both the "old" wardrobe and the new one TLC helps her select. But never once do they mention religion at all: she's just a kooky girl who loves her skirts.

My guess is that the network was afraid of alienating viewers, particularly the Heartland mamas who live vicariously through "What Not To Wear"'s NYC shopping sprees. Maybe they thought that showing Mayim as a conservative Jew would make her too different, not enough girl-next-door.

This isn't the first time that TLC has side-stepped the central issue of religion. Jon and Kate (of "Plus Eight" fame) are active churchgoers, and their conservative Christianity is the reason that Kate didn't selectively reduce her mega-pregnancy in the first place. In their books and on their website, the Gosselins talk about Jesus obsessively. But we never see them doing it on the show.

A counter-example is 18 Kids and Counting, the TLC show about the Duggar family. With the Duggars, it's impossible not to talk about religion; as leading members of the uber-conservative "Quiverfull" movement, they believe in strict, non-maninstream gender roles and behavioral codes (not to mention having dozens of babies as a form of Evangelism). The Duggars chat with the cameras about God's role in their lives, explain why kissing before marriage is sinful, and visit the Creation Museum.

So, in this basic cable version of reality, there are two kinds of religion: extreme and nonexistent. Even though religion is a part of most Americans' lives, it's somehow taboo to show day-to-day religious practices -- or even mention them! -- when it comes to "normal" reality TV stars. Given the premium on shock value on reality TV these days, it's hard to believe that anything is off-limits -- but there you have it.

Find the Religion! "Lost" Finale (Spoilers Abound)

2009-05-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

So, first off, we meet these two guys we've never seen on the show before, hanging out on the island, weaving and fishing. This one, as it turns out, is heretofore-unseen-Island-leader Jacob:

And the other one is... well, we never find out. But he and Jacob are clearly well-acquainted (brothers, perhaps?), and one of the first things we hear out of his mouth is that he intends to kill Jacob. I'm betting good money that this guy's name is Esau.

Next, we finally (finally!) get a glimpse of the statue attached to the four-toed foot that I have, frankly, been a little obsessed with:

And the statue looks like...

The Egyptian god Anubis! More or less. We don't actually see it head-on, just a profile shot. So there's a possibility it could be, say, Sobek the crocodile god...

But thematically, Anubis -- the jackal-headed god who guards the Underworld, determining who may enter -- makes a whole lot more sense. Lost afficianado Sledgeweb (from whom I took the foot/statue screencap) even makes a convincing case that Anubis had four toes. Also, according to the unofficial wiki Lostpedia, we've actually seen Anubis on the island before...

... battling the Smoke Monster in Temple hieroglyphics. (Update: now that images have been posted, the statue's looking less like a jackal to me. There's a strong argument to be made, as Melinda does in the comments, that the statue is actually Taweret, the pregnant hippo god. And the blog Jezebel is now making a persuasive case for Sobek. See Lostpedia's giant round-up of who's-that-god theories here.)

Moving on. Flashbacks... bomb... flashbacks... In the flashback of Locke being pushed from a high-rise window (the event that paralyzes him), we see Jacob reading Flannery O'Connor's short story collection Everything that Rises Must Converge:

Flannery O'Connor was a Southern Catholic writer, known for grotesque, disturbing "morality tales" about the failure of ordinary, well-meaning people to do God's will. She was also a little obsessed with heaven, hell and the apocalypse, which may be why they selected this book for Jacob to read... or maybe it's just that the title ties in with the episode theme.

Later on, in Hurley's flashback, Jacob appears and tells Hurley that his ability to see dead people isn't a curse -- it's a blessing. So Hurley is blessed? By whom, I wonder?

Bomb... more fighting... more bomb...

Toward the end of the episode, Ilana asks Richard (whom she calls Ricardus), "What lies in the shadow of the statue?" He reponds in Latin. And thanks, again, to Sledgeweb, we know what he said: "He who will save us all."

That's awfully Messianic of you, Richard. So who's the savior? Locke? Ben? Nameless-probably-Esau-guy-in-Locke's body? I'm gonna go with Locke, who has already been resurrected at least once. Though how he will save them, or what he will save them from, or who "them" is? Couldn't tell you.

So, given the H-bomb, time travel, Egyptian and Biblical mythology, destiny and everything else, the big unanswered question on my mind going into next season seems almost petty: who are Adam and Eve?

The Road to Hell is Paved with Gelato

2009-05-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

The above advertisement (for Antonio Federici Gelato Italiano) is currently under investigation by the UK Advertising Standards Authority for blasphemy. As Ad Freak put it: "A good rule of thumb when you're trying to figure out if your ice-cream ad is blasphemous: If it could be mistaken for the cover of a fetishistic, nun-themed adult movie, you've crossed a line."

Personally, I find the ad more confusing than shocking; are they implying that eating gelato a "gateway sin," leading otherwise chaste religious authorities to start madly breaking their vows? Or that if you're going to sin anyway, you might as well pack a few extra calories in afterwards?

The Adorable, Illegal, PlayMobil Bible

2009-04-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

The first awesome thing about the German website that hosts photos of Playmobil figures acting out Biblical scenes -- okay, well, that's the first awesome thing.

The second awesome thing is that it's called the Klicky-Bibel. Can you think of a catchier Bible name than Klicky-Bibel? Don't you want to say it in a German accent with me right now? Der Klicky-Bibel! Das Klicky-Bibel! Die Klicky-Bibel!

The Klicky-Bibel is essentially the Playmobil knock-off of the Lego-based Brick Testament. But there are a couple of key differences. For one, the Playmobil site was created by an actual pastor as an evangelizing tool, whereas the creator of the Brick Testament is an atheist.

Perhaps this explains some of the artistic liberties in the Klicky-Bibel; like the presence of Satan at the crucifixion (above). Or the fact that Satan is an eyeliner-wearing albino snake-handler.

Overall, I'm partial to the Brick Testament, which is a more impressive technical achievement, wears its sense of humor on its sleeve and, perhaps surprisingly, is more Biblically accurate. But the Playmobil site is clearly a labor of love, so it's sad to see the Playmobil company laying the smack down on its use of their product. Come on, Playmobil execs -- what good are toys if you can't use them to act out the Temptation of Christ? Furthermore, I'm pretty sure you started this trend yourself. Or have you forgotten that Playmobile Nativity Set?

Have You Hugged An Atheist Today?

2009-04-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

Joe Bob Briggs, who you may remember as the host of the Daily Show's "God Stuff" segment, has a great dispatch about the Crystal Clear Atheist Convention over at the Wittenburg Door:

I’m assuming that Dawkins couldn’t have known how closely his three goals correspond to a typical rally of those scary “On Fire For Jesus” teenagers:

1) Speak out and stand up for Jesus, no matter what your secular friends say!
2) Know your Bible so you can share when people quote from secular books!
3) Don’t follow the crowd!

The only difference is that Teens For Christ would conclude with a group hug and hysterical girl-shrieks, whereas atheists are not, as a rule, huggers.

The Trickiest Issue in Today's Church

2009-03-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

In 2009, there's absolutely no social issue driving more of a wedge between conservative and progressive Christians than abortion. Today on Religion Dispatches, three faith-based reproductive rights activists describe the challenge of finding common ground with pro-lifers in the abortion debate:

It is hard to take seriously a movement that thinks they can dramatically reduce the number of abortions while largely ignoring access to contraception—including emergency contraception. One understands that they feel their hands are tied by the official position of the Catholic church against contraception and by evangelical opposition to comprehensive sexuality education for adolescents and sex outside of marriage. But it is hard to join a movement that fails to support the measures proven most likely to achieve their goals.

The abortion reduction movement is thus left with a focus on doing something after women become pregnant rather than preventing unintended pregnancy. They emphasize helping women who are pregnant continue difficult pregnancies and either keep the baby or give it up for adoption. Even here, they fall far short, offering rhetoric, not a plan. According to the Guttmacher Institute three-fourths of the women who have abortions say they do so in part because they cannot afford a child. That is about 800,000 women and girls each year...

On adoption, the movement presents no plan at all. We have no idea what changes in adoption policy they think would lead to more pregnant women to continue their pregnancies and give the child up for adoption? Have they studied the issue or relied on existing studies? And how many abortions a year do they think this strategy would prevent? ... Have they talked to women who have given children up for adoption to understand from a pastoral perspective what effect this decision has on a woman’s life?

Historically, activists on both sides of the abortion debate have presented it as a black-and-white issue: abortion is either murder, or a meaningless medical procedure. But those who are fixated on the rights of the fetus often lack compassion and respect for the mother; while those who think only of the mother's rights like to gloss over the idea that a fetus is the first stage of a human life. As long as both a mother and a child are involved -- as long as contraception and sex education are denied by the government, as long as adoption and foster care are in desperate need of an overhaul, as long as mothers live in poverty -- reproductive rights will never be a black-and-white issue.

And this is where pro-choice Christian activists can help. Because on the whole, Christians who support legal abortion do want to see abortion rates go down; but they'd like to see that happen in a way that shows compassion and respect for women. The best thing we can do for our national conversation about abortion is to start exploring these gray areas, and to start looking at both lives involved in an abortion: the child's and the mother's.

Tweets for Jesus

2009-03-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Inspired by this Religion Dispatches article about churches using Twitter, here are the ten most recent appearances by Jesus on Twitter (usernames removed to protect the innocent):

Today has been a good good day:) i felt sick but i got healed by JESUS!<3 Can't wait to get home, play me some guitar hero!

Preaching on Jesus miracles for the next few months.
,
On the plane thank u jesus

Hookers For Jesus...on Nightline ABC tonite at 11:35 pm...tell ur friends and be sure 2 watch!!!

Wasn't Jesus the first zombie? He came back from the dead

SUCK IT JESUS! TWITTER IS MY GOD NOW!

I would kill jesus zombie the only problem is that he would come back in 3 days

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever! --Hebrews 13:8

Jesus?

"There's a difference between following Jesus and stalking him." -Dennis Miller (pre-crazy)

Forgive Me Lord, For I Have Snarked

2009-03-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, Roger Ebert used his very popular personal blog as a confessional, where he repented... for being snarky.

Snarking is cultural vandalism. I have arrived at this conclusion belatedly. I have been guilty of snarking, and of enjoying snarks. In the matter of snarking, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But it has grown entirely out of hand. It is time to put away childish things. I must restore my balance, view the world in a fair way, hope to inspire more appreciation than ridicule. No doubt there will always be a role for snarking, given the proper target and an appropriate venue, and I reserve the right to snark when it is deserved, as in certain movie reviews. But in general I must become more well-behaved.

And later:
What concerns me is that snark functions as a device to punish human spontaneity, eccentricity, non-conformity and simple error. Everyone is being snarked into line.How dare Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, or Mia Farrow before them, adopt more than one Third World baby? Do they have nothing better to do with their money?

I feel the need to note that Roger Ebert mainly uses his blog to say nice things; as snarky websites go, it's practically the anti-Gawker. Still, I enjoy seeing someone hold the internet to a standard of higher morality. Is being mean online as much of a sin as being mean in person? Even if it's funny? Does snark keep the bourgeoisie in check (stay humble, Angelina!), and does it do so at the expense of discouraging our celebrities -- and by extension, us -- from being risk-takers?

To me, it seems that snarkiness is linked to pettiness: it is the art of being mean for no good reason. This is markedly different, I think, from satire, which is one of the most effective ways of critiquing something that's fundamentally screwy (and I am proud to live in an age where satire is a valued form of political debate). Could it be said that satire is, in fact, moral comedy, and snark is its lesser cousin?

Which is not to say snark doesn't have its uses; a good sarcastic insult is an attack tool, focusing the writer's anger and rallying readers. It vents frustration. I've done it. Maybe you have too. But at what cost?

Perhaps Ebert should take this whole thing one step further and set up an actual online confessional, where we can cleanse ourselves of the sins accrued in the heat of blogging...

Find the Religion! Russell Brand's Comedy Central Special

2009-03-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

It wasn't on par with an Eddie Izzard show, but Russell Brand still managed to work a few thoughts about God into his cable stand-up debut:

Jokes.com

Russell Brand - Becoming Notorious

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

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"No,no,no, thank YOU, Lil Wayne!"

Jokes.com

Russell Brand - Alpha Male Surfer

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

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"Even Jesus only did it once, to make a point."

Video of the Week: The Miracle of Flight

2009-03-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

"Everybody on every plane should just constantly be going, Oh my god, wow! You're sitting in a chair IN THE SKY." A lesson in gratefulness by Louis CK, currently making the rounds on Facebook.

Because Hallmark is Seriously Neglecting the Ash Wednesday Market

2009-02-25T10:13:00.001-08:00

Get these and more Lenten greetings from someecards. (Thank you, Christine!)

What A Hymn Should Sound Like

2009-02-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

If every Presbyterian choir sang like this, there would be a lot more Presbyterians in church.

Four greatest-hits selections from a recent performance by my very own church choir:

"I Don't Feel No Ways Tired" (which they do so much better than Hillary)

"We Fall Down"

"Order My Steps"

"I Woke Up This Morning"

Of course, if you happen to be in Brooklyn, you can catch a free live performance every Sunday.

God's Love at the Oscars

2009-02-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

"No matter what anyone tells you, God does love you": Dustin Lance Black's moving speech upon winning the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for Milk was the evening's highlight. (It's also the first time I recall Mormonism being mentioned in an acceptance speech; has that ever happened before?)

Every Church Should Have a Mrs. Bobble

2009-02-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

A little old lady hacker explains how to use her church's website. Via Athanata.

In the News: Religion & the Super Bowl

2009-02-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

The Dallas Morning News points out Troy Polamalu's subtle giveaway of his Greek Orthodox faith.

The LA Times argues that athletes shouldn't practice displays of faith on the field, Greek Orthodox or no.

The Pueblo Chieftan sees the Super Bowl as "football as religion," and backs that up by quoting... Billy Joel.

Can You Really Outlaw Silent Prayer?

2009-01-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

A federal judge, in response to a lawsuit by atheist Rob Sherman, has struck down an Illinois law requiring a moment of silence in public schools.

Said Judge Robert W. Gettleman: "The statute is a subtle effort to force students at impressionable ages to contemplate religion."

Find the Religion! Inauguration Edition

2009-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

And now, it's time for everyone's favorite game: Find the Religion!

1. Rick Warren gave the opening prayer, as his usual self: bombastically humble, mostly inoffensive and slightly smug. Despite concerns about his some of his "anti-change" politics, he played nice; he referenced Martin Luther King, and didn't drop any Bush-style Evangelical "code words." (Then again, my Evangel-dar isn't that well-honed.) He closed, Protestant-style, with the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:5-13).

2. Aretha Franklin sang a couple verses of "My Country Tis of Thee," written by New England Baptist pastor and poet Samuel F. Smith in 1843. Although intended purely as a "patriotic hymn," the song is a fixture in many American church hymnals. (It does use more religious imagery in the later verses.)

3. An all-star classical quartet performed a moving John Williams arrangement of "Simple Gifts," a Shaker hymn from 1848. The Shakers, of course, were a British sect of Quakerism who came to America in 1774 to flee persecution, practice celibacy, dance and make furniture.

4. In the opening lines of his speech, now-President Barack Obama referenced 1 Corinthians 13, as both a metaphor for our troubled times:

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

And a call to service:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

5. Later on, in what must surely be an inaugural first, Obama acknowledged American followers of the four major world religions, as well as (gasp!) nonbelievers:

We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth.

And because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

This seemed to me to deliberately evoke Paul's great words in Galatians 3:28, applying them to the body of America, rather than the body of Christ:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

6. Finally, there was Reverend Joseph Lowery's heartfelt benediction, which does not seem to appear on CNN. (Come on, CNN! Keep up!). Lowery, a civil rights activist since the 1950s, opened with the words to "Lift Every Voice and Sing," a civil rights anthem and church standard, which appears in the Congressional record as the official African American National Hymn:

Lift every voice and sing,
'Til earth and heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise
High as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on 'til victory is won.

So... did I miss anything?

In the News: Steve Jobs, Minor Deity

2009-01-15T12:27:00.001-08:00

Is Apple "on the verge of becoming a for-profit religion among its users"? And if so, does that make John Hodgman a saint?

Atheist billboards have been up in Portland for a month now, and nobody has particularly objected.

This 'non-religious' church, called The Vibe, is trying a little too hard. To wit: "We’re not like other churches," claimed Brown. Then with a subtle wink he added, "and I’m not like other pastors."

A better idea: football-themed church services.

Obama is now covering all his inaugural bases with Rick Warren and Eugene Robinson. Or is he?

And finally: the Catholic church is bringing back indulgences! Let's all party like it's 1499!

Progressive Christian T-Shirts (and Other Swag)

2009-01-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

Wondering what to wear to the inauguration? A few budget-friendly options...

WTFWJD? t-shirt, $19.99 at the Going Jesus store.

As God Is My Waitress button, $3.49 at the Betty Bowers Store.

Fighter Wings Sticker, $1 at the Revolution Church Store.

Christians Have the Best Sects shirt, $17.97 at the Mental Floss store.

The Real Jesus Forgives Your Jesus button, $3.49 at the Betty Bowers Store.

Christian Who Thinks shirt, $22.99 at the Going Jesus store.

The Virgin Mary is a MAN, Baby!

2009-01-05T12:23:00.000-08:00

In The Guardian, geneticist Aarathi Prasad contemplates a scientific explanation for the virgin birth of Jesus Christ: Mary was genetically male.

Prasad gives a layman's explanation of "testicular feminisation" (more often refered to these days as Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), a condition by which a fetus is born with an X and Y chromosome, but carries a mutation that makes the body insensitive to testosterone -- ergo, the fetus develops as a woman with a man's genetic make-up. Most women with this condition (about 1 in 13,000 births these days) are sterile, but Prasad lays out a series of unlikely mutations and events by which Hypothetical Male Mary could have a child without doing the deed.

In fact, the author believes that virgin births may be the wave of the future:

Zoologists have long known that there are many species that can reproduce without sex, and have now started to discover that it can also happen in the most unexpected places. In the last five years the list of virgin mothers has expanded to include a python, hammerhead sharks, blacktip sharks, and Komodo dragons. As the British zookeeper who discovered virgin births in Komodos put it, rather like buses, you wait ages and then loads of them come along all at once...
Similar things are now happening in the laboratory, with scientists creating healthy, fertile mice with no fathers. The fact that they were able to make such animals means that we can now get over the genetic barriers to a mammalian virgin birth – in mice at least. Who knows, one day a virgin birth in humans may not be so implausible after all.

I admit, I enjoy this variety of far-fetched speculative science/theology. While Prasad isn't the first person to suggest that Mother Mary was making like a Komodo Dragon, this is definitely the most elaborate hypothesis I've seen.

Photo: drag queen Mimi Imfurst, via Time Out New York.

Video of the Week: Winner of the Coveted Crying Monkey Award

2008-12-29T15:23:00.000-08:00

Mock trailer from the opening credits of Tropic Thunder.

Religion Writing You Should Read: 2008

2008-12-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

GodSpam is extremely psyched to have made The Revealer's Best Religion Writing 2008 (in the rather specific category "Favorite Resurrected Religion Site -- Pop Division"). There's also a great round-up of top religion writers' favorite media of the year at Religion Dispatches. I've been a little distracted this year (a-hem), but here' s a tribute to the best of the books & articles I managed to squeeze into my schedule...

NONFICTION

The Family by Jeff Sharlet
Sharlet is the best religion journalist working today, and his eye-opening investigation into American fundamentalist Christianity explains so much about religion and politics that the media otherwise glosses over. If you've ever wondered how the Religious Right became a major political power, or how megachurches that preach the evils of homosexuality and the virtue of wealth descended from a politically radical peasant preaching in the desert, you must read this book.

Rapture Ready! by Daniel Radosh
With this book, Radosh set out to explore the good, the bad and the ugly of Christian pop culture -- but instead of the comically unbalanced group of zealots he anticipated, he found a complex, sympathetic subculture with an abundance of good and bad ideas. A very funny and enlightening book with a kick-ass website.

FICTION

The Butcher's Daughter by Peter Manseau
A beautifully written, heartbreaking novel about the transition of Yiddish culture from the old world to the new one, through the eyes of an immigrant poet.

Ex Machina by Brian K Vaughn
This ongoing comic series -- about a superhero who saves the second tower from falling on 9/11, then become the mayor of New York City -- is a fascinating exploration of morality in the modern world, and it ventured into blatantly religious territory this year when Mayor Hundred had a vision of God.

ARTICLES

Gabriel Mckee's film coverage on Religion Dispatches
I am absolutely biased when it comes to the brilliance of SF Gospel author Gabriel Mckee, but thanks to Religion Dispatches, the rest of the world can now appreciate his gift for finding religious messages in such unlikely films as Cloverfield and Funny Games.

"Culting" by Catherine Wessinger on Religion Dispatches
A warning about the perils of labeling any religious sect a 'cult,' this particularly timely article should have been read by every media person assigned to cover the Warren Jeffs scandal.

Does Religion Cause Violence? by William T Cavanaugh in The Harvard Divinity Bulletin
Okay, technically this article came out last year, but it was sitting on our coffee table for so long that I didn't read it until this year. Cavanaugh takes the common belief that a world without religion would be a world without violence and deconstructs it, beginning with the definition of the word "religion."

AND ONE TO WATCH FOR IN 2009...

Quiverfull by Kathryn Joyce
An even-handed but absolutely terrifying exploration of the "patriarchy movement," this book (which comes out in March) looks at a growing group of Americans who believe that feminism is the chief enemy of Christianity. (Warning: read this and The Family in the same week and you might feel compelled to move far, far away.)

Happy New Year!

Christmas Card Outtakes

2008-12-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Worst Nativities Money Can Buy

2008-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

Behold, the Jawa Nativity...
... the Leprechaun Nativity...

... the Sad Cat Nativity...

... the Inflatable Nativity...
... the Naked Troll Nativity...

... and so, so many others. I couldn't love this bad nativity round-up more -- unless it had buy links.

A Brief History of the Virgin Mary's Breasts

2008-12-17T17:20:00.000-08:00

Mexican Playboy issued an apology this week for depicting their latest cover model as a sexy Virgin Mary. Although the magazine was released just days before the annual feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, Playboy Mexico's publisher has declared, "The image is not and never was intended to portray the Virgin of Guadalupe or any other religious figure. The intent was to reflect a Renaissance-like mood on the cover." So they just picked a random artistic movement and went with it? I'd hate to see their take on Dadaism.

Amazingly, this isn't the year's first news story about Our Lady's naughty bits. In June the official newspaper of the Vatican announced that it was finally time to uncensor religious art that depicts Mary breastfeeding Jesus. Prior to the Protestant prudery (yep, alliteration) of the 1700s, these images were fairly common:

Joovs van Cleve, Virgin and Child, 1525

Rembrandt, The Holy Family, 1634

However, it should be noted that the partially-exposed Virgin wasn't always so sexy. Artists who were afraid of dishonoring the Holy Mother by making her appear too much like an earthly woman often erred in the other direction: they made her breasts look like appendages that no human woman has ever possessed:

Yes, just another day in the life of the Virgin Mary, nursing the infant Jesus from the extra breast on her shoulder.

How the Grinch Stole Atheism

2008-12-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

When it comes to separation of church and state, I am 100% in favor. The intrusion of religion into law is deeply dangerous for a free society; religious belief should not be legislated any more than it should be outlawed.

But should it be illegal to celebrate?

To me, Christmas lights in public parks, Passover seders in town halls, and Ramadan specials in grocery stores (note: I do not know of a grocery store that does this) show evidence of a dynamic, diverse America wherein different cultures can exist side-by-side. None of these religious holidays exists for the purpose of condemning anyone; instead, their intention is to uplift. There is nothing wrong with encouraging people to express joy, as long as the celebration is inclusive, not exclusive.

And that's where I've got a problem with the sign that the Freedom from Religion Foundation erected in the capitol building in Olympia, Washington, which declares that "Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds." While the local government gamely agreed to plunk the sign down next to their Christmas tree, believing that they were legally required to accommodate all viewpoints in a government building, the sign does not belong, because the sign is irrelevant. It does not exist in celebration of any holiday. It doesn't even support any particular belief, except the belief that it's wrong to believe anything. Even worse: it's just mean. It flies in the face of the goodwill gesture that is displaying nativity sets and menorahs. I'm sure the Freedom from Religion Foundation is delighting in the controversy they've deliberately stirred up, which allows them to play the victim card that's usually in the hands of conservative Christians. But it's a hollow victory, attained by a low blow. Separation of church and state is a worthy cause; why forgo the fight for the childish satisfaction of giving all people of faith the finger?

Ironically, the back side of the sign (shown in the second image) contains this poem by Eleanor Wheeler Wilcox:
The World's Need

So many gods, so many creeds,
So many paths that wind and wind.
When just the art of being kind
Is all this sad world needs.

Call it atheism, humanism or common sense, but "The World's Need" (unlike the diatribe on the front of the sign) would actually fit in rather well between a nativity scene and a menorah.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You (Unless You Live in New York City)

2008-12-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

Now that Fireproof has paved the way for a new genre of big-budget evangelical Christian films, another is on the horizon: Not Easily Broken, based on the novel by megachurch pastor T.D. Jakes. As a cinephile who arrives at the theater early to see all the trailers, I'm intrigued by the way these ultra-conservative Christian movies try to sell themselves as ordinary mainstream films (in the hope, presumably, of converting oblivious non-Christian filmgoers). So how do you know if you're walking into an evangelical cinema-trap? Just watch the trailers closely and look for these tell-tale signs:

1. The "Lifetime Original Movie" vibe.
As noted by Daniel Radosh, all of these films take place in vaguely similar, generic suburban worlds that could double as the set for a very special Tori Spelling film about bulimic baby-snatchers.

2. Main characters who are already married.
No romance or sexual tension here: the leads in these films are already hitched, and the words "wife," "husband", "marriage" and "relationship" appear disproportionately in the dialogue.

Not Easily Broken trailer:

3. Shots of men doing manly things (like firefighting or playing sports), followed by shots of men crying.
The better to embody that "warrior poet" duality that evangelicals are so fond of. WWJD? Play basketball, then cry.

4. Crosses instead of boobs.
In your average Hollywood film trailer, regardless of genre, there's probably a very brief flash of a woman throwing off her clothing, or a couple falling into bed, to demonstrate the film's sex appeal. In Christian movie trailers, these hints of nudity are replaced with blink-and-you'll-miss-it shots of characters praying or churchgoing.

Fireproof trailer:

5. A group sales number after the credits.
Go on, take the whole church!

6.Kirk Cameron
A dead giveaway, every time.

God is Not a Wiki

2008-12-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

Image credit: Valleywag.

Relevant has a thought-provoking piece by high school teacher Matt Litton about the relationship between faith and internet searches. Litton fears that the internet's ability to instantly answer any question has made his students less curious, and therefore less open to new knowledge and insight. A self-described evangelical, he wonders if Wikipedia and Google have also compromised our collective ability to deepen our faith through questioning:

Maybe we Christians feel the need to compete with the resources of the information age, maybe we feel like we should have all the answers. Whatever sent us down this path, it’s now clear that many of us are not only afraid to ask tough questions, but we actively discourage curiosity and question-asking. Questions, doubts and uncertainty are portrayed as clear signs of spiritual weakness. We are selling the world our faith as the ultimate answer button. We evangelicals seem to feel the dangerous need to eschew doubt and to offer the Christian faith to the world as the spiritual equivalent of Google.

More important than instant answers, he says, is a willingness to explore our Christian faith through difficult questions:

How do we reconcile faith without questions, faith without doubt, how can our faith grow without curiosity? Whatever our approach to the Bible, we must concede that God is big enough to handle our curiosity and our questions... The Psalmists, David, Solomon and Job approached God with tough questions, with anger bordering on disrespect, heartfelt, pain-ridden anguish, and it ultimately grew their faith.

Read the whole thing here.

Suffer the Little Children

2008-12-08T11:31:00.001-08:00

Bible verse baby rompers for your little Jesus freak. Seriously, what's with all the Christian ducks lately?

O Little Ducks of Bethlehem

2008-12-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

Rubby ducky nativity set, part of Ship of Fools' "12 Days of Kitsch-mas."

You're the Devil in Disguise. Yes, Santa, I'm Talking to You.

2008-12-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season is upon us, and while some people celebrate with eggnog and snowmen, Godspam likes to kick back with Dial-A-Truth Ministries, the earnestly crackpot Evangelical website written by Terry Watkins (no relation). As his contribution to the Christmas spirit, Watkins argues that Santa Claus is actually an alter ego of Lucifer himself. Since you surely don't have time to read his 21,000-word screed, GodSpam has helpfully broken in down for you. Grab your sleighbells -- here we go!

- Santa Claus is allegedly based on St. Nicholas, whose life is "unreliably documented" (as opposed to the other saints, who saved all their receipts) and therefore a lie.

- In fact, Santa Claus is more likely based on the Norse deity Thor, a big bearded Yule-god who likes fire, lives among icebergs, and "drove in a chariot drawn by two white goats called Cracker and Gnasher." So, like Santa, but more metal.

- Regardless of which Pagan god he's based on, Santa has a long association with demons. You know his cute little elves? They originated as "black, hairy, horned, cannibalistic, stick-carrying" devils who'd whip children into submission. (Wikipedia backs this one up.)

- Then of course, there's the fact that SANTA is an anagram of SATAN. This can't be a coincidence, because Terry Watkins did a Google search for 'Satan Claus' and found "over 1,700 hits!" What about the Claus part, you ask? Well, that's either an anagram for Lucas (Lucifer's nickname among his frat buddies) or a sneaky way of writing "claws," and claws, of course, are way more evil than regular hands.

- And you know how you thought "St. Nick" was short for "St Nicholas"? Wrong! It's actually a British nickname for the devil, as well as a verb meaning "to rob or steal," which is totally something the devil would do.

- But Santa Claus looks so sweet and jolly, you say! Well, that's because he's actually trying to imitate Jesus in order to trick you. Think Jesus didn't look like Santa? Once you read these out-of-context Bible verses, you'll have another think coming!

"...the hair of his head like the pure wool . . . " Daniel 7:9
"Wherefore art thou red in thine apparel, and thy garments like him that treadeth in the winefat?" Isaiah 63:1-2

- Coming into the house through chimneys? Living in the North Pole? Making toys? Jesus did all that too! Witness the Bible proof!

"And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man... And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace... " Revelation 1:13-15
"Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary...?" Mark 6:3
"Then he brought me to the door of the gate of the LORD'S house which was toward the north . . . "Ezekiel 8:14

- Furthermore, holly is evil ("the Druids believed the "holy" berries represented the blood of their Goddess"). So is the phrase "ho ho ho" ("In Miracle plays, the devil's common entry line"). And elves. Especially elves.

- In fact, elves are so evil that they live inside Ozzy Osbourne's brain. (Sharon Osbourne is quoted: "He's just got this demon inside of him. He just can't get rid of these little people that live in his head.")

- Finally, Santa Claus is dangerously omnipresent and omnipotent. He knows when you are sleeping! He knows when you're awake! How does he know? HE'S SATAN.

- The article concludes with a quote from an Onion article (seriously) called "Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God!" Qualifies Terry: "Even though it was written as a blasphemous parody, much truth rings from the article." Quoth The Onion:

"...I'm better than God. I'm jollier, and I give you real toys, not boring old psalms and empty promises you can only collect on when you die. Worship me, not Him! Worship Santa!"

Video of the Week: Jack Black Plays Jesus (Again)

2008-12-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

This new video from Funny or Die, which highlights both economic and theological arguments against Proposition 8 to the tuneful music of Marc Shaiman, features Jack Black as a shrimp-cocktail-munching savior:

Of course, this isn't Jack Black's first appearance as the big J.C.; here he is in Mr. Show's classic Jesus Christ Superstar parody, "Jeepers Creepers Semi-Star":

Always be good except when you're bad
Choose to be happy except when you're sad
Don't quote me on this, don't hold me to that
Is there a God? Don't know for a fact...

Do You Want to Be the Top Hat, the Scottie Dog, or Buddha with a Machine Gun?

2008-12-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

In a blatant (and successful) attempt to offend, "Playing Gods: The Board Game of Divine Domination" pits armed religious figures against one another in a battle for converts. S. Brent Plate of Religion Dispatches thinks the comparison of religion to a game is an apt one:

Through creative or coercive means, convincing others to follow your way/world and not another has been fundamental to Christianity since the time of Constantine, fundamental to Islam since the time of Muhammad, and fundamental to Buddhism since the Bodhi-Dharma left for the East. There is a certain primal desire to suggest to others that “my world” is the right one. Games, and religions, are about creating ever-new worlds, accompanied by the enticing suggestion to come to my world to play.

Taking it Personally

2008-12-03T08:56:00.001-08:00

Illustration by Tom Gauld for The Guardian, via the Cabanon Press website.

The Bible in Magazine Form: Still Half the Size of Vogue's Fall Issue

2008-12-02T10:54:00.001-08:00

Taking the marketing concept of Revolve and Refuel one step further, Bible Illuminated is a 286-page glossy magazine version of the New Testament.

Some sample images:
I'd very much like to know what Bible verse the polar bear is illustrating.

Gotta Have Faith: Marilynne Robinson

2008-12-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

INTERVIEWER Are religion and science simply two systems that don’t merge?

ROBINSON The debate seems to be between a naive understanding of religion and a naive understanding of science. When people try to debunk religion, it seems to me they are referring to an eighteenth-century notion of what science is. I’m talking about Richard Dawkins here, who has a status that I can’t quite understand. He acts as if the physical world that is manifest to us describes reality exhaustively. On the other side, many of the people who articulate and form religious expression have not acted in good faith. The us-versus-them mentality is a terrible corruption of the whole culture.

INTERVIEWER You’ve written critically about Dawkins and the other New Atheists. Is it their disdain for religion and championing of pure science that troubles you?

ROBINSON No, I read as much pure science as I can take in. It’s a fact that their thinking does not feel scientific. The whole excitement of science is that it’s always pushing toward the discovery of something that it cannot account for or did not anticipate. The New Atheist types, like Dawkins, act as if science had revealed the world as a closed system. That simply is not what contemporary science is about. A lot of scientists are atheists, but they don’t talk about reality in the same way that Dawkins does. And they would not assume that there is a simple-as-that kind of response to everything in question. Certainly not on the grounds of anything that science has discovered in the last hundred years.
The science that I prefer tends toward cosmology, theories of quantum reality, things that are finer-textured than classical physics in terms of their powers of description. Science is amazing. On a mote of celestial dust, we have figured out how to look to the edge of our universe. I feel instructed by everything I have read. Science has a lot of the satisfactions for me that good theology has.

-- from this excellent Paris Review interview with Marilynne Robinson, via Get Religion.

Losing My Religion: Charlie Kaufman

2008-12-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

During a public Q&A after the Seattle premiere, I asked Kaufman about his apparent disinterest in questions of a religious nature. I told him I keep waiting for one of his characters to look beyond broken humanity for consolation and redemption. Why don't these characters ever look for God?

Kaufman answered very directly. “That's sort of like asking me, 'Why aren't they lumberjacks?' The answer is, 'Because I don't write about lumberjacks.'”

While the crowd laughed, Kaufman sought to reassure me. “I'm not making fun of you at all.” He explained that it just doesn't occur to him that he might find any kind of love or grace from a sovereign God. “It just doesn't resonate with me. I don't think God is a guy, or a woman, if God exists at all. But other people around me can relate to me in ways that are tangible.... I read a lot of philosophical stuff about religion, metaphysics, and the universe, and I'm really fascinated with it. But my feelings about it are that there's not an anthropomorphic version of someone watching over us who's going to love me. I could be wrong, but that's who I am. And the stuff that I write about is the stuff that I think about.” -- From an interview in Image Journal, via Being Charlie Kaufman

Love Will Tear Us Apart, Amen

2008-12-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

An Episcopalian church in Pennsylvania has introduced a Goth Liturgy to reach out to local teens. I wonder if their congregants are as well-dressed as the Goth churchgoers in Second Life...

Man Changes Name to "In God We Trust"

2008-06-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

A bus driver from the town of (go figure) Zion, Illinois has legally changed his name to "In God We Trust." He says it's a testament to the hard times God has seen him through. I suspect it's a thinly veiled attempt to become a viable form of U.S. currency. Mark my words -- in a few years, we'll be paying for everything with bus drivers.

Are Celebrities the New Greek Gods?

2008-06-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

The other day, while Googling myself (oh, come on, like you don't do it), I came across a link to one of my articles on Godlike Productions, a site for "UFOs, Conspiracy Theories, The Lunatic Fringe." The article in question was an interview with Jake Halpern, author of Fame Junkiesan amazing and under-acknowledged book on the American obsession with celebrity. In the interview, we discussed the bizarre nature of celebrity worship:

What makes someone pick Jennifer Lopez over Jesus as a dinner date?
I think a lot of it has to do with loneliness. The kids who described themselves as lonely and underappreciated were more likely to pick Paris Hilton or 50 Cent. The kids who were less lonely mostly picked Jesus.

Is celebrity worship the new religion? You profile a woman in the book named Marcy who lives and dies for Rod Stewart, but is also a born-again Christian.
Right, and I argue that she has different spiritual needs that are met by Jesus and by Rod. There's that great line where she says, "Jesus loves me just the way I am, whereas Rod loves the tall blondes." I think that what celebrities offer is a charismatic leader you can follow. You can make pilgrimages to their houses, to their concerts — there's a group of followers, zealots, who you can bond with. Marcy was getting a lot from Rod to fill a sort of spiritual void. The problem was that, as she pointed out, sometimes Rod didn't acknowledge her, and she'd feel crushed, whereas God is always around.

The "lunatic fringe" at Godlike Productions interpreted this to mean that Americans are unspeakably shallow and moronic. I interpret it as evidence of the powerful place religion holds in our psyches. But please, decide for yourself -- read the book, or check out the interview here.

He's Not That Innocent

2008-06-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

This handsome fellow here is Abdullah "Aa Gym" Gymnastiar, popularly known (according to the Jakarta Post) as "the Britney Spears of Islam." How did he earn that name, you might ask? Does he chant Quaranic verses in a red pleather jumpsuit? Does he make a yearly hajj to Las Vegas to marry somebody sketchy? Is there an Islamic Kevin Federline in his life with a stash of Marlboros rolled into his keffiyah?

Nope. He just wrote some self-help books. Who knew the bar for Muslim Britneys was set so low?

We Hereby Nominate Fred "Mister" Rogers for Sainthood

2008-06-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

Many visitors to God Spam comment on my bio, which describes me as a Christian who does not suck. If there were a Kinsey scale of Christian suck-to-not-suck ratio, designed in MS Paint, it might look something like this:

That's because Mr. Rogers is one of the best models of Christianity that pop culture has ever offered up. In "real life," he was a Presbyterian minister who considered his children's show his ministry. He had a passion for this calling, as you can see in this clip of him (successfully) urging the US Senate to maintain funding for PBS:

He also practiced what he preached to children on his show: love, tolerance and an appreciation for the good in people. Mental Floss has compiled a list of inspiring Mr. Rogers factoids, including a great story about the night he struck up a lifelong friendship with a chauffeur by inviting him up to the fancy dinner party he was hired to drive him to.

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes." -- Fred Rogers

Locke, Nooooo!

2008-06-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Warning: spoilers.

LOCKE: It's not an island. It's a place where miracles happen.
JACK: There's no such thing as miracles.

We're happy to see Lost take us back to the faith-versus-reason debates we loved so much in the first season, even if things ended on a bad note for Team Faith. Still, as Locke said, The Island is a place where miracles happen. And if it can heal the lame and cause an infertile couple to give birth, couldn't another Biblical miracle be close behind?

The littlest Locke fan hopes we'll be seeing a resurrection.

Color Your Own Crucifixion

2008-06-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

With the Holy Heroes "Road to Calvary" coloring book, you can use your crayons to illustrate all fourteen stations of the cross. Make Jesus look Mauvelous as he stumbles from pain, and Radical Red as he's stripped of his garments! Should the nails in his hands be Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown or Robin's Egg Blue? Christianity + Crayola = endless possibilities!

Download your free sample page here!

(Coincidentally, Holy Heroes is also the name of this lovely blog about superheroes and religion.)

Video of the Week: "Hymn #405: Oh God What On Earth Is My Head All About"

2008-05-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Eddie Izzard on the Church of England, where many people have no arms.

From Dress to Kill.

Nothing About Purity Balls Is Okay

2008-05-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

At my high school, the students got to vote on the theme for our my rather famous senior prom. The winning theme my senior year was "Splendor on the Nile." The runner-up was "Roman Holiday." Now I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure "Celebrate Not Having Sex, And Bring Your Dad!" got zero votes.

Still, that theme is put to lavish use at "purity balls," evangelical father-daughter dances that probably started in somebody's gym, and now have ballooned into the expensive, oddly ritualistic ceremonies described in today's Times. Some descriptive passages:

...After dessert, the 63 men stood and read aloud a covenant “before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity.” The gesture signaled that the fathers would guard their daughters from what evangelicals consider a profoundly corrosive “hook-up culture.”

Did you hear that? The "hook-up culture" can eat through pans.

“It’s also good for me,” said Terry Lee, 54, who attended the ball for a second year, this time with his youngest daughter, Rachel, 16. “It inspires me to be spiritual and moral in turn. If I’m holding them to such high standards, you can be sure I won’t be cheating on their mother.”

Yeah, Rachel. It's up to you to keep Daddy in check. If you start kissing boys, you're giving him permission to cheat on Mommy.

“The culture says you’re free to sleep with as many people as you want to,” said Khrystian Wilson, 20, one of the Wilsons’ seven children, including five girls. “What does that get you but complete chaos?”

Um... seven children?

Each father and his daughter walked under the arch and knelt before the cross. Synthesized hymns played. The fathers sometimes held their daughters and whispered a short prayer, and then the girls each placed a white rose, representing purity, at the foot of the cross.

I see: the rose represents the girls' virginity, and the dads represent the girls' dads, and the cross represents sacrifice, and the synthesized hymns represent everything that is wrong with the world.

"Lost" Theories: Is The Island Eden?

2008-05-16T05:53:00.001-07:00

Watching Lost the other night, I came to the realization that everyone who had been looking for something in Australia found it on the island: Kate wanted to escape the law, Hurley wanted to be rid of his money, Locke wanted to learn his true strength in the wilderness, Michael wanted more time with Walt, Sun wanted Jin's baby, Sawyer wanted to kill the man who destroyed his mother, and so forth . . . So if that's the case, could the island actually be paradise?

That's the theory put forth by a USA Today reader in this article, which has the series creators commenting on some theories and being suspiciously mute on others. Here's my favorite, Darren from Tennessee's "Eden" theory:

The actual identity of the island is the Garden of Eden — the cradle of civilization. We believe the show is balancing faith and science. Thus, the island is a place of faith being cloaked and protected (and even prodded) by scientific means.

It has been revealed that the numbers are the Valenzetti Equation. This equation points to the end of the world. It points to destiny, and it has been referred to as "a curse." When Adam and Eve sinned, it brought a curse to mankind (which included difficulty in childbirth). It also doomed all mankind to death. It pointed to the end of the world.

Dharma was trying to reverse the curse of Adam and Eve through scientific means, while the Others and the Lost-ies have been trying to do so by means of faith. The Others are moving the Lost-ies to make right the sins of their past. The Monster is a man-made means of judgment; he is a man-made god. If someone can pass The Monster's test of judgment, they may be able to atone for Adam and Eve's sin, and in essence reverse the curse in the very place where it began — the Garden.

He Died So That We Might Rock Out

2008-05-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

Introducing the cross MP3 player necklace. Let's make a playlist!

Tori Amos, "Crucify"
Black Sabbath, "Headless Cross"
Cheater, "Nailed"

Other suggestions?

Video of the Week: "I Don't Know What You're Talking About. But I'm Sure God Does."

2008-05-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

The divine mystery of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
From The Vicar of Dibley.

The Church of England's Cheese Problem

2008-04-30T03:00:00.000-07:00

The Church of England's official rationale for refusing to ordain women bishops is that too many members would leave in protest -- making the church full of holes, "like a Gruyère cheese."

The church is so concerned, in fact, that it's proposing a law to create "spiritual havens" (i.e. separate churches) for opponents of gender equality.

Frankly, we think something's starting to smell a little moldy...

Progressive Christianity: Now With Free Stickers!

2008-04-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Jay Bakker, son of Jim and Tammy Faye, now runs a progressive, non-denominational church called Revolution. You can get the above sticker for free at the church's online store.

And check out this poster for services...

... which sure beats the traditional option:

More fun with church signs here and here!

Oh, and more on Jay Bakker.

In the News: Everyone Gets Kicked Out of Church

2008-04-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

Cardinal Egan says that Rudy Giuliani shouldn't have taken communion during the Pope's visit, because of his pro-choice views.

The Church of England declares that there will be no female bishops before 2014, because "the Church would risk a mass walkout by opponents of women priests if women are put in positions of authority over them."

The Presbyterian Church is trying to decide if a Kentucky pastor violated church law by performing marriages for two lesbian couples.

To counteract this depressing week, here's a story I missed in January: the San Francisco presbytery approved lesbian pastor Lisa Larges for ordination. She had been trying for 23 years, and her lack of bitterness is inspiring: ""I still feel stunned, honestly, and deeply grateful both to the folks who supported me and to the presbytery for stepping up."

The Jehovah's Witnesses Explain the Recession

2008-04-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was visited by my friendly neighborhood Jehovah's Witnesses again today. I told them I only had a minute, as my baby was upstairs sleeping (truth), so they took that minute to explain to me that the current economic downturn was predicted in the Book of Revelation, Chapter 6. Here's the passage they showed me, in the New King James Bible:

When He opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come and see.” So I looked, and behold, a black horse, and he who sat on it had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four living creatures saying, “A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius; and do not harm the oil and the wine.”

The Witnesses helpfully explained to me that wheat and barley were staples of the New Testament diet, and that a denarius was about a day's pay -- meaning that, according to God, a loaf of Wonderbread will soon cost us an entire paycheck.

I was curious where the wine and the oil came into it, but alas, I had a baby to get back to.

Video of the Week: 5000 Years of Religion in 90 Seconds

2008-04-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

This fascinating video-map shows the spread of the world's major religions over the course of history. In the beginning, there was Krishna...

The Continuing Adventures of Bibleman

2008-04-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

So who is this Bibleman fellow, you ask? He's the titular hero of a popular Christian children's show, played until recently by Charles in Charge and Celebrity Fitness Club alum Willie Aames. He wears Biblically correct armor (the "breastplate of righteousness," "shield of faith," etc.):

He fights atheist villains by shouting Bible verses at them. He is, truth be told, a pretty boring superhero.

But there's still some fun to be had with Bibleman, and that fun lies in his incredibly offensive villains. Last week, author Daniel Radosh (whose book, Rapture Ready!, I'm very excited about) burned an "exclusive" Bibleman clip for the media gossip site Gawker. The clip shows Bibleman facing off against one of the show's many villains, most of whom evoke a startling degree of gayishness and/or Jewishness. Here's the guy from the clip, a belligerent talk show host with the most outlandish Jewish accent since vaudeville died:

Here's a guide to some other Bibleman villains, courtesy of WMFU's Beware of the Blog.

But there's more! A few years back, another blogger wrote to the Bibleman folks to complain about the show's anti-Semitism. She got a response directly from one of the actors; read the whole story here.

I know what you're thinking: you need to see more clips. Well okay then. Here's Bibleman getting tortured, Emperor Palpatine-style, by gayish villain Primordius Drool. And here's Bibleman fighting another enemy, Shadow of Doubt. And best of all, here's a trailer for the Bibleman videogame, in which Bibleman takes on the First Amendment.

That's right, meet Bibleman's arch-nemesis: Wacky Protester.

One Day All Seven Will Die

2008-03-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, while GodSpam was on baby hiatus, the Pope apparently added seven more deadly sins to the existing list, which originated with Pope Gregory in the sixth century. For those of you who need a refresher course, those original seven sins are:

-Lust
-Gluttony
-Greed
-Sloth
-Wrath
-Sneezy
-Dopey

(Those last two are sometimes cited as Envy and Pride.)

And here's the new batch:

-Environmental pollution
-Genetic manipulation
-Accumulating excessive wealth
-Inflicting poverty
-Drug trafficking and consumption
-Morally debatable experiments
-Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

They just don't roll off the tongue as easily, do they?

Personally, I'm looking forward to the David Fincher-directed sequel Fourteen, in which Kevin Spacey smokes a joint and mixes up Brad Pitt's recyclables.

GodSpam has been on hiatus...

2008-03-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

... due to the arrival of a small, cross-eyed man.

We'll be coming back gradually over the next few weeks. In the meantime, get some sleep on our behalf...

Gotta Have Faith: John Cleese

2008-02-15T18:28:00.000-08:00

"...It's not in any way against Christ or Christ's teachings. It's all about criticizing people who make something of Christ's teachings, which I think he himself would not recognize. There's a lovely line that an idea is not responsible for the people who hold it. A lot of people in America who describe themselves without any hesitation at all as Christians are, in my opinion, completely missing the point of most of his teachings. It was like Tom DeLay, who said, with reference to turning the other cheek, that he never understood that bit of theology, which is absolutely the key to everything that Christ says. Here you've got a guy who's made a political career out of being supported by evangelical Christians, and he's totally missed the point of the teaching. So is he a Christian?"
— John Cleese on Life of Brian, from The AV Club Interview.

The Best of GodTube: Evolution Videos

2008-02-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

And now, with the help of GodTube ("Because otters holding hands are just too secular for us^TM"), GodSpam presents The 5 Funniest Creationist Arguments Against Evolution:

#5: Evolution is impossible because fish can't breathe air!

#4: If the Big Bang can't happen in your garage, it sure as heck can't happen anywhere else.

#3: Where are the monkeyfish fossils?

#2: If we're all descended from monkeys, then how come you can't bring a monkey on a plane? (skip to 12:05)

#1: Evolution can't be real because peanut butter doesn't procreate.

Church Leaders Dropping Like Flies

2008-01-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

If you were in charge of a major religious denomination this weekend, you probably aren't anymore. Let's take a look at the casualties:

First up:

Archbishop Christodoulos, 69-year-old leader of the Greek Orthodox Church, died of liver cancer. Christodoulous was a controversial figure; the Times obituary makes him sound pretty rad:

A polyglot who surfed the Internet, Archbishop instituted sign-language liturgies for the deaf and made plans for a religious television station, and buoyed the faith’s dwindling numbers with the aura of a rock star. He enlivened sermons with one-liners and animated antics. He cheerfully allowed teenagers to wear miniskirts and body-piercing jewelry to Mass. He embraced rather than disgraced AIDS patients.

Yet his Wikipedia entry makes him sound like an arch-conservative reactionary. You be the judge!

Next up:

Mormon church president Gordon B. Hinckley died of old age at 97. Apparently the community is totally shocked; as a University of Utah student put it: " "I texted my brother and he just wrote back, 'What?' "

Hinckley was actually descended from the original Mormons, and he was a tireless evangelist for his church, making lots of international trips and several cable appearances to dispel rumors about polygamy and cultism. He also told Mike Wallace that his sacred underwear once saved him from a fire.

Last but not least:

80-year-old Peter-Hans Kolvenbach, leader of the Jesuits, did not die. He did, however, decide he was too old for the position, and was replaced this weekend by the much more chipper 71-year-old Rev. Adolfo Nicolas.

Those who hold this position (official title: Superior General of the Society of Jesus) have been nicknamed "black Popes" because, unlike the Pope (but like Johnny Cash), you'll never see them wear a suit of white. Among internet nutjobs, Black Popes like Kolvenbach are credited with all kinds of nefarious conspiracies, not including the deaths of the above church leaders . . . yet.

Scientology Week: The Hits Keep Coming

2008-01-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

via videosift.com

Yes, it is a new week — and yet, it is still Scientology Week on GodSpam. That is the power of Dianetics. It defies space and time as we know it. It also defies government mind control. It will make you a better person, chef, fashion designer and opera singer. It has granted Kirstie Alley eternal life. Seriously, just watch the video already.

Via Defamer.

Scientology Week Continues: Now With Video

2008-01-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

Here's a promotional video for "A Very Merry Children's Scientology Pageant," the very enjoyable musical by Les Freres Corbusier. It is exactly what it sounds like.

What the Huck?

2008-01-17T08:17:00.000-08:00

We now interrupt Scientology Week for a very special announcement: if elected president, Mike Huckabee wants to "amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards." What does that mean, exactly? He elaborated at a press conference this week:

"The context is two things. Human life amendment, which I support and which has been in the Republican platform since 1980...And the second thing is traditional marriage."

Huckabee went on to quote the parts of the Bible in which Jesus condemned abortion and homosexu - OH WAIT.

He did go on to say: "I'm not suggesting that we rewrite the Constitution to reflect tithing or Sunday school attendance. I want to make that very clear." Well that clears it up.

Tim Grieve at Salon has a nice rebuttal:

If it is, as Huckabee said the other day, "easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God," what's the basis for stopping at abortion or same-sex marriage or even at tithing or Sunday school? Why not push for an amendment outlawing homosexuality entirely? On the other hand, maybe God would be interested in passing the Equal Rights Amendment. How about an amendment banning the death penalty? Or maybe an omnibus amendment outlawing preemptive war, the touching of pigskins and the getting of haircuts?

Who should be the arbiter of "God's standards"? How do we decide which of those "standards" can be ignored and which are important enough that we "need" to address them by amending the Constitution? And how would Mike Huckabee feel about having someone else -- say, Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama or John Edwards or Dennis Kucinich -- making those decisions for him?

It's Scientology Week! The Tom Cruise Propaganda Video

2008-01-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

Here's the video that the Scientologists are threatening to sue the whole internet over: Tom Cruise talking about why he's a church member. My favorite line:

"Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it’s not like anyone else. As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you’re the only one that can really help."

So apparently, the Church of Scientology has convinced Tom Cruise that he is actually a character in one of his own movies.

Transcript here (thank you, Ada!).

Gettin Xenu With It

2008-01-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

A month after telling Us Weekly that he "doesn't necessarily believe in organized religion," it appears that Will Smith has converted to that most frighteningly organized of religions, Scientology. While Smith hasn't confirmed that he is a member of Hubbard's church, the press has offered a couple tip-offs:

1. He sent out Scientology-themed Christmas cards. (Where does one buy those, exactly?)

2. He's started using the word "reprogramming" as if it were a normal conversational term for anyone except robots.

3. He informed Men's Vogue that "98% of the principles (of Scientology) are identical to the principles of the Bible."

Those interested in the other 2% should head over to Gabriel Mckee's blog SF Gospel, where he posted some fascinating stuff, including the full text of the out-of-print expose Bare-Faced Messiah. Gabriel also spent 20 minutes making the above photo, which it took me 30 seconds to blatantly steal.

Man Claiming to be Priest Caught With Cocaine

2008-01-12T08:06:00.001-08:00

Says airport security: "We've seen a lot of things, baseballs filled with cocaine, wine bottles, plaster casts, but this is a first."

The Jehovah's Witnesses Came By Today

2008-01-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

... and dropped off the latest issue of Awake!, the monthly magazine that seems to be replacing Watchtower as the de facto door-to-door handout. Here's the cover story:

Oo, I know! Seems like a no-brainer, doesn't it? Except, of course, you have frightening groups like Christian Domestic Discipline that seem to think the Bible is all about wife-slapping. So what do the Jehovah's Witnesses have to say?

First, there's an introduction called "Violence Against Women: A Global Problem," which quotes Amnesty International describing anti-woman violence as "today's most pervasive human rights challenge. The following article, titled "How Do God and Christ View Women?", uses examples from the Bible to show that Jesus treated women as equals. They do a nice job of presenting cultural context, describing how scandalous Jesus' interactions with the Samaritan woman , the woman at the well and Mary Magdalene must have seemed in a culture that often equated women with slaves. (I would have included more New Testament examples, like Jesus' friendship with Mary and Martha, and Paul's commission of Phoebe as a Christian leader.) The article then moves onto the Old Testament and some generalizations from Proverbs, concluding that "all women should be treated with honor and respect."

Hell yeah! Good on you, Jehovah's Witnesses!

But wait...

That was the cover story at the front of the magazine. Here's the story at the back of the magazine:

What, did I get too uppity between pages 3 and 28?

Somehow we went from "Jesus didn't condone chauvinistic attitudes" to "Many women chafe at the idea of male headship in marriage... (but) you will find that its position is balanced and practical." The article tries very hard to seem feminist, saying that a husband's job as the head of the household is to put his wife's needs above his own, and that women "provide valuable input" into marriages. (Gee, thanks.) These statements that are quickly followed up with the qualifier "Of course, as the family head, the husband is responsible for making final decisions."

Their example of a well-balanced marriage is the real kicker: they cite the story of Abraham and Sarah, specifically the part in which Sarah gets pissed because Abraham knocked up one of the servants. She tells him to kick the girl out of the house, and he considers it, but only after he goes off by himself and contemplates it does he do it. In other words, it was his decision, not hers, which makes the whole thing okay.

Did the connection between this type of arrangement (condoned on page 28) and global violence against women (condemned on page 3) never occur to the editors at Awake? It's this idea of male headship that causes men to believe they have the right to abuse their wives, women to think it's their duty to submit to it, and -- worst of all -- leads to the laws in many cultures that give men the right to abuse, punish, or even kill disobedient female family members. If the Jehovah's Witnesses are looking to separate themselves from such cultures, they need to take a long hard look at their beliefs about patriarchy -- which stem from the same ancient Middle Eastern desert culture as the religion they're implicitly condemning.

The Tax n' Spend Messiah

2008-01-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

"And despite giving dozens of speeches on the Middle East, Jesus has refused to call the Islamofascists by name, and he's even suggested that we turn the other cheek."

A rather brilliant attack ad by Lee Stranahan.

Devil's Advocate: Mike Huckabee

2008-01-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

As someone who believes that the separation of church and state strengthens both church and state, I should be terrified by the prospect of Mike Huckabee winning in Iowa today. And yet...

It's hard not to admire a politician who actually seems to have his own set of beliefs and doesn't backtrack on them the second the media starts asking questions. (Yes, I was the one shouting at John Kerry through my TV during the last race: "Dammit, just say you threw the medals!") I'd put 2000-era McCain in this camp as well (um, possibly not the best choice of words there, but you know what I mean), and a number of the current candidates, notably Barak Obama. But for a progressive Christian, Mike Huckabee is a more complicated prospect. Let's take a completely biased look at his theology:

GOOD! Huckabee believes that we are stewards of God's creation and therefore need to take care of the environment.

BAD! Mike Huckabee signed the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention statement on the family, and specifically supported the inclusion of this passage: "A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ." Tip for Mike: next time you sign your name on a Bible verse, make it something Paul actually wrote.

GOOD! When pressed about his Christmas ad being 'too Christian,' Mike was all "No shit, my Christmas ad is Christian." Not in those words, exactly.

BAD! Huckabee believes it's wrong to teach kids that evolution happened. (Because where are the unicorn fossils?)

GOOD! "The key issue of real faith is that it never can be forced on someone. And never would I want to use the government institutions to impose mine or anybody else's faith."

BAD! Despite the above statement, the Bible is the only reason Huckabee ever cites for wanting to outlaw abortion and gay marriage.

GOOD! It's also the reason he's pushed for prison reform and poverty relief, issues that most Republicans don't seem to have thought twice about.

Still, every time I find myself on Huckabee's side, I'm reminded that he said this. These kind of statements show that he's not as in touch with larger world issues as he seems to think he is. But at least he's in touch with himself -- and that' s more than we can say for Romney.

"I Like the Baby Version the Best"

2007-12-24T06:08:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!